What you need to know if grieving the loss of a loved-one
Bereavement Definition
Tears in the corner of your eyes, a lump in your throat, and tightness in part of your chest. Bereavement is experiencing the death of a loved one and is an example of the many types of losses we experience in life. Grief can impact an individual, or we can have a bereaved family.
In this article:
Bereaved synonym
Grief is an important concept related to bereavement. The latter is mainly about the inner experience of bereavement. These are the thoughts, feelings, and physical issues/sensations to occur during this process.
Grief has no rules and no timeline. Grief is an ongoing process, but people understandably want to stop this very difficult psychological experience. Imposing grief ‘rules’ are unlikely to help you grieve in a healthy way.
5 stages of grief
As part of her work in palliative care, Elisabeth Kübler Ross was a psychiatrist who wrote the book ‘On Death and Dying’. She suggested that people facing the end of life experienced the following stages of grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining (offering good behaviour in exchange for a different outcome)
Depression
Acceptance (acknowledgement and preparation)
A popular misconception is that these stages follow in order as listed above. While this approach to grief is well-known, there is little research evidence to support its validity. This model has decreased in popularity, and others are more widely used (e.g., the dual-process model). With all models, take what makes sense to you and disregard the rest!
How long does it take to grieve?
Bereavement is a highly individual and unpredictable process. Questions like ‘How long does grief last?’ are not always helpful.
One criticism of the Kubler-Ross perspective is that (to some extent) it simplifies a complex and variable experience. There is no normal way to grieve.
You can actually create more stress once you start to place expectations on bereavement. One common example is imposing time limits. I have often heard people assuming that things should get easier after 12 months. A sense of failure or personal weakness sometimes results when grief continues after this date (as it usually does).
The best advice I can give someone is to just grieve. Moving back and forth between being upset and trying to get day-to-day life back together is normal and healthy. Life does have to continue, but you must allow for the bereavement emotional roller coaster.
Grief counseling
Some people opt for grief counseling. By all means, pursue this if it feels right for you. Some people like being able to talk to someone outside their social circle, have a private place to get upset and receive additional emotional support. Mental health professionals should also provide trustworthy and accurate advice about the grieving process.
I provide grief support for clients, but there are many choices out there. Don’t be afraid to shop around and even have a trial session or two. Don’t forget the support group and bereavement organisation options. The Good Grief Trust is one example of what’s available.
Anticipatory grief
Some people have advanced warning of a loved one’s death. This is sometimes the case with medical conditions and the grief process can be triggered under these circumstances. These difficult psychological experiences create stress, and challenge your ability to support a sick loved one. Seeking additional support (professional if necessary) is vital at this time. The process can be confusing and upsetting. People are available to help you understand anticipatory grief.
Pet bereavement
The loss of a pet can be devastating but perhaps does not receive sufficient acknowledgement. This form of grief is as legitimate as any other bereavement process. Seek support from people who understand the pain of losing a pet. Expect some unhelpful suggestions like ‘Just get another pet’. Well-meaning but upsetting comments like this represent another challenge in bereavement.
Unusual grief experiences
We can have odd or unexplainable experiences when grieving the loss of a loved one. For example, some people report the deceased in present in some way. These reports are not unusual. There is no need to think you are losing your mind.
Good grief meaning
Healthy bereavement looks like this:
Normalising the rollercoaster of psychological challenges
Giving yourself permission to feel whatever emotions appear
Reaching out for support and accepting this help from people you trust
Avoiding the tendency to set rules and expectation on grief
Grief is love with nowhere to go
Much has been written about grief. Here are some example quotes:
They say time heals all wounds, but that presumes the source of the grief is finite. Cassandra Clare
Grief is just love with no place to go. Jamie Anderson
Stop punishing yourself for being someone with a heart. You cannot protect yourself from suffering. To live is to grieve. You are not protecting yourself by shutting yourself off from the world. You are limiting yourself. Leigh Bardugo
Good grief lyrics
Lot’s of songs have been written about grief. Here are some famous examples:
Fire and Rain. James Taylor
Tears in Heaven. Eric Clapton
My Immortal. Evanescence
Supermarket Flowers. Ed Sheeran
Grief meme
…and then there are the internet memes on grief. Here are some examples on this topic.
How to pronounce bereavement
Bereavement is pronounced buh-reev-muhnt. Hear this word pronounced here.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with grief and loss. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Infographic references
https://www.webmd.com/special-reports/grief-stages/20190711/the-grief-experience-survey-shows-its-complicated
https://childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk/about-1/what-we-do/research-evidence/key-statistics
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/nov/26/uks-26m-covid-bereaved-suffer-heightened-grief-finds-study
https://live-evermore.org/key-bereavement-facts/
https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/jpm.2012.0450
