Clingy Boyfriend
What is clingy?
The clingy boyfriend…and other issues with guys
Describing someone as ‘clingy’ refers to different things, ranging from needing constant attention and reassurance, to wanting large amounts of time with you, physical touch, affection and so on. So when you experience someone as clingy, you are really saying there is a mismatch between what you are wanting in a relationship, and what your boyfriend is trying to get.
There are many causes of clinginess. Your boyfriend may battle psychological issues such as poor self-esteem, fear of negative evaluation by others, or previous bad experiences in relationships. Current relationship factors may also be relevant. For instance, previous threats/talk of breaking up can leave people on high alert for signs that a relationship is ending.
This issue needs an early response before unhelpful patterns become established. Often people back away from clingy behaviour, which frequently intensifies clinginess.
Talk to your boyfriend in a direct but empathetic way.
Be specific about the behaviour of concern to reduce the risk that he feels overwhelmingly criticised (e.g., ‘You’re a rubbish boyfriend!’).
Tell him what effect clinginess is having on your attitude towards the relationship.
Ask what worst-case scenarios may be in his mind to drive the clinginess. Talk about how this could be addressed jointly.
Finally, let him know how he can change his behaviour in a helpful way.
Why is he ignoring me?
People may ask themselves about being ignored whether or not there is good cause to assume this behaviour is occurring. Regardless of reality, an issue exists in that you are dissatisfied with an important aspect of the relationship; being given sufficient time and attention from your partner.
There are numerous reasons for ignoring someone. Some of these can be fixed (e.g., different expectations on how much time to spend together), while other issues are more concerning (e.g., unhappy in the relationship).
First, be clear on the specific actions from your boyfriend that suggest you are being ignored. This gives you both something to work with. Talking about ‘not making eye contact with me in public’ gives you more to work with than ‘I’m being ignored by you’. Getting specific also helps draw out a rational explanation and/or misunderstanding if present.
Next, see if you can agree on a way to tackle the problem. The less serious or complicated the problem, the easier it is to find a solution.
Why men have emotional affairs
Most people regard an emotional affair as a non-sexual relationship between friends characterised by a strong emotional connection or ‘intimacy’ beyond what would normally be expected.
This is a grey area for sure. There are different opinions about what a ‘normal’ friendship looks like. In the relationship with your boyfriend, trouble emerges when you think his friendship has gone beyond your definition of normal. On most occasions, concerning relationships are with a female friend because this raises the possibility of physical intimacy.
The reasons people have emotional affairs are the same for men and women. There might be something lacking in the relationship with your boyfriend, there may be a pre-relationship friendship that is resistant to change, there might be different expectations about what’s acceptable in other friendships.
Regardless of the reasons, emotional affairs are damaging. Partners need to negotiate what is acceptable in friendships outside the relationship.
How to stop obsessing over a guy
Women often raise this issue with me when there is some form of negative psychological state linked to the guy concerned. If attracted to a man, you might not like the perceived lack of control over your thoughts (i.e., thinking about him non-stop). Alternatively, there may be a track record of frustration, hurt, or betrayal with a man, but feelings of love or attraction continue.
Whatever the reason, you have decided that obsessing is unwanted or not good for you. The less you want a thought, the more of it you will probably have. Try this experiment:
Work as hard as you can to NOT think about a pink elephant right now…
If you immediately pictured a pink elephant in your mind, you are not alone! Sometimes, the best way to stop obsessing about someone is to stop fighting these thoughts and acknowledge them as a normal part of dealing with someone in your life who triggers a strong emotional response.
If a man really loves you he will
Be careful here.
Measuring how much someone loves you is not always best done by evaluating their actions. The ‘He will if he loves me’ way of thinking also ignores the different beliefs and expectations people might have about relationships and showing love for each other.
This statement can also be a subtle form of emotional manipulation. Do you really want your boyfriend (or anyone) to do something purely through guilt or a sense of obligation? Love, respect, and commitment are shown through actions AND other things (e.g., the way someone talks to you). Your relationship could be in trouble if making the ‘love = specific actions’ assumption.