Not feeling good enough? Here's what you can do
I Wish That I Was Good Enough. Maybe You Are...
It's common to feel like you're not good enough. We all have doubts and moments when we feel like we're not measuring up.
We may take a negative perspective on a specific trait or ability (e.g., athletic performance). Or, we may make a more general evaluation (e.g., personality).
Whatever the type of evaluation, not feeling good enough is a challenging and potentially damaging state. However, we can do something about it.
Hold Me While You Wait Lyrics
This Lewis Capaldi song refers to someone not feeling good enough in a relationship context. Many people feel inferior to a partner.
Thinking you're not good enough suggests you've made a comparison to another person or expected standard. It's only natural to want to compare ourselves to others (1). We are social animals who frequently evaluate our place amongst others. We use comparison as a tool to assess our skills and abilities (2).
But negative consequences arise when those comparisons are unreasonable. For example, we negatively evaluate performance in an important area of life and stop trying to improve. Making inaccurate, negative comparisons will increase stress levels and satisfaction with life.
Making Fair Comparisons
As mentioned above, we have a natural tendency to make comparisons. Trying to eliminate this behaviour is therefore pointless and unachievable.
The good news is that you don't have to eliminate comparisons from your life. Negative evaluations per se are not bad, provided they are accurate and lead to reflection and a positive plan forward. Unjust or inaccurate comparisons can lead to self-doubt and self-loathing. On the other hand, thoughtful and balanced comparisons can help you strive toward a better version of yourself.
Getting Specific
Difficulties arise when comparisons are biased, inappropriate, or simplified.
It can be easy to make broad, non-specific comparisons, especially when we feel not good enough. However, we must be clear on what we are comparing ourselves to. What specific issue, characteristic, or ability are you referencing? Keep comparisons restricted to this particular aspect of your life.
Are You Making a Logical Comparison?
A fair evaluation comes from appropriate comparisons.
For example, compare your tennis skills to someone with the same experience level and coaching input. Now we're comparing apples with apples. Keeping your comparisons logical can be valuable for goal-setting and motivation. But if you allow them to become skewed, they can quickly turn destructive.
Awareness of potential biases and heuristics that distort comparisons is essential.
For example, one common bias is the relativity bias. This process occurs when we compare things based on their relative, rather than absolute value.
Another bias is anchoring. Here we hone in on one piece of information and allow it to unfairly influence our decision-making.
Are You Taking Circumstances Into Account?
Comparison can be a powerful tool if used correctly.
Ensure you factor in different circumstances when engaging in comparison. Then, ask yourself whether there's any information you're missing.
For example, maybe the person you're comparing yourself to has less stress and demands in their life. Or perhaps they have access to resources that you don't.
When making comparisons, always ask yourself whether you are considering different circumstances. For example, it wouldn't be fair to compare past exam performance to a result where you were unable to prepare.
Once you have all the facts, you can make a more accurate assessment of where you stand. You can also use the comparison to assess yourself.
Next, find out if you can do anything to improve your circumstances. This will help you to focus on your journey rather than getting caught up in someone else's. And that is the key to using comparison to your advantage.
Compassion
Not feeling good enough and other negative self-evaluations tend to involve a lack of compassion. Developing compassion skills can be of great benefit for these, and other challenges.
Summary
We compare our appearances, possessions, intelligence, and achievements. Sometimes, these comparisons can help us improve performance or reach goals. But often, comparisons can be detrimental.
Excessive, inappropriate, and biased comparisons damage our well-being. Making fair and balanced comparisons are essential to reduce the chance of not feeling good enough.
There is always scope for improvement in our lives. Balanced comparisons provide a basis for making concrete plans to improve.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with not feeling good enough. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Kedia, G., Mussweiler, T., & Linden, D. E. (2014). Brain mechanisms of social comparison and their influence on the reward system. Neuroreport, 25(16), 1255–1265. https://doi.org/10.1097/WNR.0000000000000255
(2) Festinger, L. (1954). A Theory of Social Comparison Processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140. https://doi.org/10.1177/001872675400700202
And for the lyric curious….
I'm waiting up, saving all my precious time
Losing light, I'm missing my same old us
Before we learned our truth too late
Resigned to fate, fading away
So tell me, can you turn around?
I need someone to tear me down
Oh, tell me, can you turn around?
But either way
Hold me while you wait
I wish that I was good enough (Hold me while you wait)
If only I could wake you up (Hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won't you stay a while? (Hold me while you wait)