Understanding and Taming a Disorganised Attachment Style
Dealing With A Disorganised Attachment Style
Disorganised or fearful avoidant attachment is one of several relationship patterns that form in early childhood. A disorganised style often occurs when a carer is unavailable, intrusive or frightening. These behaviours produce an unpredictable or unsafe caregiving experience. We can understand adult attachment and people's relationship problems by learning about disorganised attachment.
If you suspect a disorganised attachment style, there are strategies for a more healthy relationship with important people in your life.
What Is Attachment?
Before we delve into disorganised attachment, it's essential to understand what attachment is.
Attachment theory is a psychological explanation of the emotions and behaviours that occur in relationships between humans. It focuses on why and how people form close relationships with others in order to be connected and feel safe.
Attachment style begins to form in infancy and develops as the child ages. A secure attachment bond is essential for a child's social, emotional and cognitive development.
There are four main attachment patterns. Each type of attachment manifests differently in terms of how a child behaves towards their carer. These behaviours evolve as people become adults. However, the core attachment style remains and plays a crucial role in our relationships.
A secure attachment style tends to evolve from caring, attentive, and responsive parenting. Insecure attachment styles (avoidant attachment style, anxious attachment style) tend to arise from aversive childhood experiences. These include neglect (e.g., abandonment and rejection), unpredictability, and abuse (e.g., sexual abuse).
What Is Disorganised Attachment?
Disorganised attachment is a pattern of attachment that can form in early childhood under specific circumstances. These circumstances typically involve a carer who is unavailable, intrusive or frightening. People with disorganised attachment often have difficulty regulating their emotions (e.g., being overreactive) and may act out in aggressive or withdrawn ways. They may also struggle to form trusting relationships with others later in life.
It's thought that disorganised attachment develops due to inconsistent or unsafe caregiving experiences. These experiences may cause the child to feel anxious or afraid. These states can lead to feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope. This can lead to them behaving erratically or inconsistently around their carer.
As an adult, disorganised attachment pushes us toward an inconsistent approach to relationships. Connection and close relationships are wanted even though there is a fear of intimacy.
What Are the Signs of Disorganised Attachment?
Several signs may indicate disorganised attachment. These include:
• Having difficulty regulating emotions; feeling overwhelmed or easily frightened
• Acting aggressively or withdrawn around caregivers
• Struggling to trust others or form close relationships
• Experiencing anxiety or depression
• Engaging in self-destructive behaviours such as self-harm or substance abuse
• Having flashbacks or nightmares about early childhood experiences
• Feeling disconnected from others or feeling like no one understands you
What Can I Do?
Self Help
Taming a disorganised attachment style takes a lot of work over a long period of time. However, lots of strategies are available. I often recommend the following tools to my clients:
Know your triggers for strong, difficult emotions. Read this article on ‘Difficult Inner States’
Self-regulation strategies
Identify and respond to problematic thinking patterns
Use core values to provide a blueprint for how you will try to behave in important relationships
Professional Help
If you're struggling with disorganised attachment, seek therapy from a qualified mental health professional. Attachment-based therapies can help you understand your early experiences and their influence on your current relationships. These therapies can also teach you how to form healthier attachments with others.
Summary and Next Steps
Disorganised attachment is a pattern that can form in early childhood due to inconsistent or unsafe caregiving experiences. If you think you might have disorganised attachment, there are things you can do about it. Talking to a therapist can be an effective way to explore your attachment style and relationship behaviours. With the right support, you can learn to form healthy, supportive relationships with others.
Further reading:
For a more in-depth discussion, Thais Gibson has written this useful book on attachment.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with attachment and relationship challenges. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
