The top 5 strategies for coping with a yelling wife
My Wife Yells At Me: Here's What To Do
Men being yelled at by their partner or wife may feel confused, embarrassed, anxious or alone. It can be difficult to understand what is happening and how to stop it. Therefore, it is essential to define yelling and psychological abuse to understand the phenomenon better.
Defining yelling and psychological abuse
Yelling is a form of communication that is often used in an attempt to assert dominance or control over another person. It can involve raising one's voice, insults, offensive language, or threats.
On the other hand, psychological or emotional abuse is a more broad category of behaviour. It refers to any action used to control, intimidate, or manipulate another person. This can include derogatory comments, threats, withholding love and support, or humiliation.
These behaviours should be a red flag to those targeted by such acts. Safety concerns and mental health problems are potential issues with ongoing abuse.
Yelling may not necessarily constitute abusive behaviour. But, it can damage a relationship and the recipient's well-being.
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The effects of yelling
Men who experience yelling and psychological abuse from their partner or wife can suffer significant adverse effects. For some, embarrassment or inadequacy can be problematic if they identify with traditional masculinity. As a result, men may not seek help for resulting problems with mental health, personal relationships, work functioning, and other areas of their lives.
Why do men stay?
There are many reasons for tolerating yelling and other harmful or abusive behaviour.
Some men stay in relationships with women who yell and psychologically abuse them because they feel they can't do better. They may have low self-esteem or believe the woman is their only chance for a relationship.
Some men also stay because they fear what the woman might do if they leave. Others may stay because they don't know how to break free from the relationship.
Telling a man to 'just leave' is not helpful. Complex psychological factors tend to be involved in abusive relationship behaviour.
How to respond: 5 key strategies
You can address yelling if your wife acknowledges the issue and wants to make changes. Under these conditions, here are five key coping strategies for a wife who yells at you.
Gather Information
First, it's essential to understand why your wife is yelling. Also, consider when she is most likely to yell. Detecting triggers can provide clues about causes.
Finally, listen to each other's point of view. This information can provide valuable clues. Of course, you both need to explore these questions together.
Make An Initial Plan
Agree on a plan for when warning signs arise. An early response maximises the chances of managing yelling behaviour.
This plan should include de-escalation strategies. Use whatever tactic works. For instance, she may opt for a self 'time-out' to calm and re-group. There should be a joint effort to reduce the yelling.
Learn From Incidents
Agree to follow up on 'close calls' and yelling incidents.
Don't get discouraged when the plan doesn't work. These situations are usually good learning opportunities.
What went wrong? How would we do things differently next time? Do we need to modify our plan?
Normalise
Many people will tell you to stay calm. The problem with this advice is that it's not always realistic to keep your cool. In addition, failing to keep calm can lead to excessive self-criticism ("I should not have let the situation get to me").
Instead, have your calming strategies (e.g., diaphragmatic breathing) but normalise any distress. It's never pleasant when someone yells at you, especially a family member or spouse. Feeling distressed, confused, or angry in these circumstances is perfectly normal.
Extra Support
Consider some additional help. Persistent yelling with serious knock-on effects may warrant professional input from a relationship expert or psychology practitioner.
A persistent problem such as this may be due to complex underlying issues that need addressing (a lot of stress, anger issues, communication skills difficulties). This extra support may be required to stop yelling.
Is it normal for my girlfriend to hit me?
Absolutely not. This is never normal or acceptable. Domestic violence can occur for both males and females. Even a 'one-off' is not ok and a potential red flag.
Summary
Yelling and psychological abuse from a partner or wife can negatively affect men, including low self-esteem, depression, and difficulty in personal relationships. Men may stay in abusive relationships for various reasons, including low self-esteem, fear of consequences, or social pressure.
The five strategies above may be helpful when your wife acknowledges the behaviour and wants to change. However, you may need to consider a different approach if she is not on board. There are resources available to help men who are being abused, including support groups and safe housing options.
Further reading
There are many poor-quality books on relationship skills. But, some good stuff is available too. Here are two examples:
Michael Sorensen’s book I Hear You discusses the skill of validation.
Susan Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight focuses on the roles of emotion and attachment in relationships.
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