Beware of People Pleaser Mode
The Perils of Being a People Pleaser
We've all been there. That moment when someone asks us to do something we really don't want to do, but we say yes anyway because we don't want to disappoint. Or maybe there's a task at work that we're dreading, but we push through it because we don't want to let our boss down.
In these instances, we are people pleasers. And while it may seem like a selfless act, people-pleasing can have some detrimental effects on our well-being. So let's take a closer look at what it means to be a people pleaser and why it's not always a good thing.
What is a People Pleaser?
A people pleaser is someone who consistently puts the needs of others above their own. They are trying to be all things to all people.
They might say yes to things they don't want to do or go out of their way to help others, even if it means sacrificing their own time or happiness.
People pleasers often have a hard time saying no and may feel guilty when they do. This can lead to feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed. Sometimes, the source of this discomfort is the fear of negative evaluation. Being a pleaser is one method to manage this concern.
Some of the potential signs of people-pleasing include:
Finding it difficult to say no
Always agreeing with people and keeping your true opinions hidden
Sacrificing your own needs
Neglecting your health to do things for others
Seeing other people as more important
Not asking for things you need or want
Apologising when you are not at fault
Building resentment towards others
Feeling overly responsible for others
Avoiding conflict at all costs and feeling extremely uncomfortable when someone is unhappy with you
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Why Do People Become People Pleasers?
There are various reasons why someone is a people pleaser.
Here are some possible explanations:
Being raised in an environment where it was considered more important to think of others than themselves.
Past experiences where saying no led to negative consequences.
Fearing negative evaluation in social situations
Low self-esteem may drive a need to 'prove' worthiness
Whatever the reason, people-pleasing is often rooted in fear of rejection or harsh evaluation. People pleasers often worry they will be cast out from the group if they don't prioritise others.
The Downside of Being a People Pleaser
While being helpful and considerate of others is always commendable, there can be too much of a good thing.
When someone is constantly putting the needs of others before their own, it can lead to them feeling taken advantage of, used, and resentful. It can also make them feel like they're not good enough or that their opinion doesn't matter.
If left unchecked, people may sacrifice their physical and emotional well-being to please someone else. Other problems may emerge. For example, a person may fear disapproval and become perfectionistic or place too much attention to detail during tasks.
Changing Strategies
Your response to this issue will depend on the underlying cause. However, we can think about responses in two main areas:
Cognitive
Think about your attitude towards your own needs. Many pleasers de-prioritise their well-being in favour of others.
Remind yourself that the needs of everybody are important. This stance places you on an equal footing with other people in your life. A give-and-take approach is more likely from here.
Sometimes, it may be appropriate to focus on another person. Other times, you should be the centre of attention.
Look out for predictions of negative evaluation by others. View these predictions with suspicion, especially if there is no evidence for their accuracy.
Predictions are fortune-telling. Most people agree that it's not possible to know the future. Therefore, consider the possibility that catastrophic predictions won't come true. Fortune and catastrophising are examples of cognitive distortions; thinking patterns that are problematic for our mental health.
Behavioural
The next step involves dropping one of your people-pleasing behaviours.
We want to see the result of a different approach. Your brain needs new experiences to challenge the pleaser mindset. Drop a behaviour or activity that doesn't generate too much discomfort. We are looking for a mild to moderate difficulty level.
We don't want you to stop doing something that will cause complete panic.
Pick a 'low risk' pleaser behaviour you do several times per week and stop it for one to two weeks.
Observe what happens; how you think and feel, how other people react, etc. What can you learn from these observations about the impact of people-pleasing on your life? Use this article on reflection to help process this experiment.
You can then repeat the process with another pleaser behaviour.
Other strategies
Some other approaches to dealing with people-pleasing include:
Thinking before offering or agreeing to do something. Pleasers will often over-commit or take on tasks they can't manage.
Set some firm boundaries that promote a minimum standard of self-care
Stall for time to prevent impulsively saying yes, and to give your brain a chance to evaluate the situation (e.g., say, "I'll get back to you tomorrow on that")
Consider the possibility (i.e., reality!) that not everyone will like you and that people will unfairly judge you at times.
Summary
You may have an issue to tackle if you recognise the above signs of people pleasing.
While being helpful is always commendable, there can be too much of a good thing.
When someone is constantly putting the needs of others before their own, it can lead to them feeling used, taken advantage of, and resentful. So next time you're about to say yes to something you really don't want to do, ask yourself if you're doing it for the right reasons.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help you overcome excessive people-pleasing. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
