The Meaning Of Shame And How To Reduce It
Shame Meaning & What You Can Do About It
Shame is a painful feeling that can be debilitating. In addition, shame is associated with several other psychological issues ranging from low self-esteem to major psychiatric illness (1,2).
Shame is often described as the "secret" emotion because it's painful and difficult to discuss. We don't like to admit shame because it makes us feel weak and vulnerable. But the truth is, we all have felt shame at some point.
Ashamed
This psychological state occurs when we break social rules we see as important. For example, you may feel shame after yelling at someone based on the belief that you should never raise your voice.
Breaking these personal rules can make us feel humiliated and exposed to the hostile glare of others.
Shame can be focused internally (inside the body) or externally. Internal shame involves negative thoughts about self as seen through one's own eyes. External shame relates to perceived negative views of others.
A sense of inadequacy or worthlessness can cause a state of shame. It's different from guilt, which is the feeling that you have done something wrong. With shame, no specific event or action has occurred; rather, it's a sense of our whole selves as defective.
Real or perceived failures or shortcomings can trigger shame. It can be caused by negative messages from others, such as "You're not good enough," or by self-criticism. Shame can also be passed between generations. For example, if you grew up in a family where people constantly put each other down, you may have internalised those messages and now believe them to be true about yourself.
The Effects of Shame
Shame is a powerful emotion that can have far-reaching effects on our lives.
When we feel ashamed, we may feel paralysed and unable to pursue plans in important areas of our lives. We might avoid others as a coping strategy. Reduced social contact is associated with many additional adverse effects. These other problems create more difficulties.
Other problematic behaviours can emerge from shame. Some examples include:
Worrying about negative evaluation by others
Being perfectionistic
Not taking healthy risks through fear of failure and humiliation
Lashing out at others
In its most extreme form, shame can lead to reduced mental health. For instance, there is a strong link between shame and depression (Kim).
What Can You Do About Shame?
The good news is that psychological tools can help reduce levels of shame (Goffnett).
First, we must recognise that we all experience shame from time to time. However, shame levels can become excessive, causing unnecessary pain and additional problems.
Problem thinking patterns
Next, we need to confront the causes of shame. There may be a single event or multiple shame triggers. Either way, we must examine these situations and look for distorted thinking.
Shame tends to involve excessive 'personalising' of perceived rule-breaking. This means people tend to assign all the blame to themselves. However, you can consider the following questions:
Am I solely to blame for this situation?
Are there other factors that explain why my valued rules were broken?
Shame also involves sweeping, negative conclusions about your character; 'I am TOTALLY worthless', for example. This type of thinking is called 'generalisation'. You have made conclusions about your overall worth based on a single difficult incident. One response involves getting specific about what happened:
In what specific way did I let myself down?
Does this really represent evidence of overall failure?
You have many options when it comes to identifying and challenging problem thoughts. Here is more information on cognitive distortions.
Avoiding Isolation
It is vital to stay connected to friends and family when feeling ashamed. Your network can provide support, give an alternative perspective to shame talk, and be a source of positive interactions. In addition, you may want to consider some professional help in severe cases of shame.
Compassion
Self-compassion is an excellent strategy to counter shame. Compassion helps us recognise suffering, explore it, and look for ways to improve our circumstances. Here is an exercise to give you a taste of this approach.
That’s Shame
Shame is a painful emotion we all experience at some point in our lives. It's essential to understand what shame is and how it affects us so that we can start working through it and healing the wounds it has caused. If you're struggling with shame, reach out for help. There are people who care about you and want to help you through this difficult time.
Further Reading
John Bradshaw has written a useful book on coping with shame.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with issues of shame. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Budiarto, Y., & Helmi, A. F. (2021). Shame and Self-Esteem: A Meta-Analysis. Europe’s Journal of Psychology, 17(2), 131-145. https://doi.org/10.5964/ejop.2115
(2) Park, H. Y., Seo, E., Park, K. M., Koo, S. J., Lee, E., & An, S. K. (2021). Shame and guilt in youth at ultra-high risk for psychosis. Comprehensive Psychiatry, 108, 152241. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.comppsych.2021.152241
Kim, S., Thibodeau, R., & Jorgensen, R. S. (2011). Shame, guilt, and depressive symptoms: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 137(1), 68–96. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0021466
Goffnett, J., Liechty, J. M., & Kidder, E. (2020). Interventions to reduce shame: A systematic review. Journal of Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy, 30(2), 141-160. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbct.2020.03.001
You Are Infatuated. What Next?
Infatuated: The Meaning And The Response
We've all been there before. You meet someone new and you can't stop thinking about them. You're daydreaming about your future together, what your kids will look like, where you'll go on vacation...you're completely obsessed.
But what does it really mean to be infatuated with someone?
Infatuation vs Love
It's important to distinguish between infatuation and love. Infatuation is a short-lived passion usually based on intense feelings and sometimes an unrealistic view of relationships.
It's that "love at first sight" feeling that is intensely physical and emotional. On the other hand, love is a deep affection built over time based on trust, mutual respect, and genuine admiration.
So how can you tell if you're just infatuated or actually in love? Here are some key differences:
Love is patient; infatuation is not. When you're infatuated with someone, you want them now and are not willing to wait.
Relationship objectives differ. With love, people tend to focus on the relationship's longer-term elements (e.g., trust, respect). Infatuation tends to focus on short-term objectives (e.g., being around the person).
Love grows stronger over time in a healthy relationship. Infatuation fades quickly. The initial "high" of being in love fades, but what replaces it is a much deeper connection.
What Can You Do About It?
There's nothing wrong with you when infatuation strikes. It's normal to have these feelings from time to time. However, look out for the following situations:
The object of your affection doesn't feel the same way
Feelings interfere with your ability to function
You are acting in a way that is intrusive or unwanted (e.g. being overbearing)
It might be time to step back if any of the above situations apply to you. The key here is to manage powerful emotions that dominate your thinking and behaviour.
Many techniques exist to improve self-control. Some examples include:
Looking out for thinking distortions
Mentally unhooking from thoughts
Breathing and body calming strategies (see the Skills Page for more).
Another way to try and break out of your infatuation is to focus on yourself. Spend some time doing activities you enjoy. Life must continue regardless of the infatuation. You don’t want to neglect existing relationships.
Another option is talking to the object of your feelings. How you approach this will depend on the circumstances. If feelings are mutual, you can discuss how to progress in a way that’s comfortable for both people.
Summary
Infatuation is short-lived passion usually based on an idealisation of someone. If you think you might be infatuated, don't worry—it's normal to have these feelings from time to time.
However, infatuation can sometimes lead to unhealthy behaviours. Try the self-management strategies suggested above if you are concerned about your response. It's tough when the object of your affection doesn't feel the same way about you. However, you must respect their perspective and avoid any inappropriate behaviours.
If you're really struggling, it might be time to seek professional help. A therapist can help you understand your feelings and give you tools to deal with them in a healthy way.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Are Two Pleasers A Good Relationship Match?
Can Two Pleasers Make a Good Couple?
If you're the type of person who always puts others first and tends to avoid conflict at all costs, you might be a people-pleaser. And if you're dating a people pleaser (or someone who has a similar personality), you may be wondering whether the two of you make a good match.
Doomed To Fail?
Overall, the news appears to be positive. Research suggests that people-pleasing tendencies can actually benefit relationships. Those who are open, agreeable and conscientious tend to be more satisfied in their relationships (1).
But, this link is not straightforward.
For example, being agreeable is associated with relationship satisfaction when there are few arguments and other negative exchanges (2). Conflict can be uncomfortable. But it's also an inevitable part of any close relationship. The good news is that if you and your partner are both people-pleasers, you're likely to go out of your way to avoid conflict altogether.
While this might not seem like a bad thing at first glance, it's important to remember that some conflict is actually healthy for relationships. That's because conflict gives couples the opportunity to communicate openly about their needs and wants and to practice problem-solving skills together. So, while avoiding conflict might help keep the peace in your relationship initially, it could eventually lead to bigger problems down the road.
Hidden Traps
Despite the potential benefits, people-pleasing must be done in moderation.
You risk comprising your relationship needs if you find yourself constantly bending over backwards for your partner. This can happen when you worry excessively about disapproval or abandonment.
Fear of disapproval might reflect an underlying issue of social anxiety. Pleasing behaviours will not be healthy when used to avoid the perceived fear of negative evaluation. You might feel the need to go the extra mile in the early stages of a relationship. But, a healthy balance between give and take should develop quickly.
Worrying about abandonment could indicate anxious attachment tendencies. Setting boundaries and communication are the keys to feeling safe.
When two people-pleasers are in a relationship, they might start to feel like they have to tip-toe around each other all the time so as not to upset the other person or cause any conflict. This can lead to feelings of frustration and even resentment over time. If you find yourself feeling this way often, it might be worth talking to your partner about how you're feeling and why conflict avoidance isn't always the best strategy for managing differences between you two.
Summary
Two pleasers can make a good couple—but only if they strike the right balance between being agreeable and assertive. If either person starts neglecting their own needs or feelings in order to keep the peace, that's when problems can start to arise.
So if you're in a relationship with another people-pleaser, make sure that you're both taking care of yourselves and communicating openly about your needs—that way, you can avoid any potential pitfalls down the road.
Further reading:
Here is a useful book on relationship improvement by Sue Johnson that takes an ‘attachment’ perspective.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help if you’re too much of a people-pleaser. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Sayehmiri, K., Kareem, K.I., Abdi, K. et al. The relationship between personality traits and marital satisfaction: a systematic review and meta-analysis. BMC Psychol 8, 15 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-020-0383-z
(2) Tov, W., Nai, Z. L., & Lee, H. W. (2016). Extraversion and Agreeableness: Divergent Routes to Daily Satisfaction With Social Relationships. Journal of personality, 84(1), 121–134. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12146
Why Does No One Like Me? The Essential Guide
Why Does No One Like Me? Can I Trust This Thought?
The belief that no one likes you can be a very painful and isolating feeling.
You may find yourself wondering what you did wrong. You may also assume there must be something wrong with you. Issues such as self-hate or self-loathing can be very detrimental to your mental health and the chance of healthy relationships. Therefore, it is important to tackle these issues head-on.
This article outlines some important considerations when assuming people don't like you.
Is It Reality?
The assumption that no one likes you reflects a thought process, not reality. Yes, some people are disliked. But, you should always carefully review the evidence for this belief before doing anything else.
A negative thought should be evaluated for accuracy. What hard evidence do you have that no one likes you?
Emotions can really distort thinking when people feel threatened (e.g., aren't good enough in the eyes of others). Evidence is not what 'feels' true. This is a cognitive distortion called 'emotional reasoning'. (e.g., I feel like a loser, therefore I must be a loser).
So, while some unpleasant thoughts are accurate, they are often incorrect in some way. Take an honest look at the evidence before going any further.
Going To Extremes
Not everyone does or will like you. That's normal.
However, the statement 'No one likes me' takes an extreme position that is neither helpful nor a fair reflection of reality in most cases. Here's why:
'No one' implies EVERYBODY. In reality, people are not disliked by everyone they have ever met. Most individuals who think they are disliked have a small number of other people in mind. Perhaps there is tension with a colleague, a neighbour and a sibling. These three relationships might dominate your thinking. The result is the extreme belief that every person you know dislikes you.
'Me' implies your entire personality. This is another extreme state of thinking. You are not saying 'People don't like my choice of conversation topics'. Instead, you are making a global negative evaluation. In reality, no one is entirely unlikeable. We all have our pros and cons.
What Are Your Expectations?
People tend to experience difficulties when their expectations are unrealistic. For example, problems will arise when you expect every person to like you. Most people understand this goal is not achievable.
But, perhaps there's a part of you that still holds on to this vision of your social life. Being liked by others is fantastic. But, be honest with yourself when setting relationship expectations.
Evaluating Others
The field of social evaluation is massive. We have no chance of providing a complete overview of this area. But, we can say that social evaluation is a process involving several steps (1):
Judgement of behaviour in others as positive or negative
Linking behaviours to specific people
Act differently towards people based on positive or negative judgements
All this means is that people perceive behaviour as positive or negative. This process is out of your control and based on many factors. Someone will decide they don't like certain behaviours and treat people accordingly.
It is possible you will be disliked because of things that actually have little to do with you.
Elements In You
Whether it is perceived or actual dislike by others, there is no end to possible internal explanations. Here are a few examples:
Social anxiety: This form of anxiety is essentially the fear of negative evaluation in situations where others might judge you. Socially anxious people expect critical thoughts from others, even from a close friend. Therefore, assuming people dislike you is a natural conclusion. However, there may also be a tendency for negative evaluation of those with social anxiety (2)
Being inauthentic: Many people can detect those who are not being their true selves. This creates discomfort and negative thoughts (e.g., 'Can I believe this person'?).
Personality characteristics: Some people have personality characteristics and types that lead to difficult behaviours and disapproval. For example, neuroticism is a key personality element associated with strong reactions to negative reactions in others (3).
Social skills issues: Some people need support to develop important social skills (e.g., keeping a conversation going). People can make negative evaluations of those who struggle with certain interaction skills.
No One Cares?
You must take a hard look at your thinking when you believe no one likes you. This thinking is sometimes based on shaky evidence and various thinking errors.
However, there are strategies you can use to address underlying issues. Challenging thoughts and developing key social skills are just two examples of approaches to this problem.
Consider speaking to a professional if you're struggling with this issue. Some extra help often accelerates progress to a more positive self-image.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with troubling thoughts about other people. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Abdai, J., & Miklósi, Á. (2016). The Origin of Social Evaluation, Social Eavesdropping, Reputation Formation, Image Scoring or What You Will. Frontiers in Psychology. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2016.01772
(2) Inderbitzen-Nolan, H. M., Anderson, E. R., & Johnson, H. S. (2007). Subjective versus objective behavioral ratings following two analogue tasks: a comparison of socially phobic and non-anxious adolescents. Journal of anxiety disorders, 21(1), 76–90. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2006.03.013
(3) Denissen, J. A., & Penke, L. (2008). Neuroticism predicts reactions to cues of social inclusion. European Journal of Personality. https://doi.org/10.1002/per.682
Understand And Beat Little Man Syndrome
Little Man Syndrome: What It Is & How To Respond
Little Man Syndrome is a complex psychological issue, but is not a mental health diagnosis.
The term is problematic as it can represent a derogatory social stereotype. Labels related to this concept include 'short man syndrome', 'napoleon complex' or 'inferiority complex'.
These terms generally refer to a person experiencing anxiety and thoughts of inadequacy. These people often feel like they are not good enough or do not measure up to others. At worst, this can lead to several additional problems, including social anxiety and depression.
These challenges affect most of us from time to time. Thus, this topic is not just for the 'small man' or those with a 'lack of height'.
The Causes
There is little research on concepts such as Little Man Syndrome. However, there is much research to draw upon with related issues.
There is no single cause of feelings of inferiority or fears of negative evaluation. Certain personality traits have been linked to the condition. For example, the concept of neuroticism has been linked with numerous psychological issues (e.g., low self-esteem) (1).
Certain life experiences may contribute to these difficulties. For example, being subject to bullying or teasing about physical appearance (e.g., short stature) can lead to insecurity. Some people respond by constantly attempting to prove themselves.
Once established, these problems may lead to coping behaviours that create new difficulties. For example, people may respond with hostility and aggression leading to relationship tension (2). The resulting negative behaviour from others may be interpreted as 'proof' of inferiority and rejection.
What Are The Signs?
Indicators of these issues vary from person to person. Some common symptoms include:
- Feeling like you are not good enough or don't measure up to others
- Constantly comparing yourself to others
- Feeling like you need to prove yourself
- Excessive self-criticism
- Difficulty accepting compliments or positive feedback
- Being envious of others' success
- Putting yourself down
- Avoiding social situations for fear of embarrassment
- Having difficulty making friends or maintaining relationships
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How Are These Issues Addressed?
The approach to issues like insecurity, low self-esteem and social anxiety will depend on a person's individual circumstances.
A key indicator for seeking professional help is when difficulties are severe and reduce quality of life. Some problems get too big for an individual to manage. Professional input at this time can make a big difference.
Examples of strategies used for these issues include:
Identifying and addressing problematic thinking styles
Utilising self-compassion
Mentally unhooking from self-criticism
Identifying and modifying behaviours that make matters worse
Small Man Syndrome?
Feeling inferior to others is a common problem. Terms like Little Man Syndrome are generally unhelpful as they put fault at the foot of the person affected. These expressions also imply unhelpful beliefs about how these problems are caused.
The good news is that many strategies exist to manage and reduce the impact of negative self-image and social anxiety. Start with the techniques suggested in this article. But consider reaching out for additional help if you don't make the desired progress.
Further reading:
What to do about feeling insecure
How to respond when you don’t feel good enough
Three tips for the inferiority complex
Robert Prior has written a helpful book on social comparison
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help conquer little man syndrome. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Lahey, B. B. (2009). Public Health Significance of Neuroticism. The American psychologist, 64(4), 241. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015309
(2) Morrell, L. J., Lindström, J., & Ruxton, G. D. (2005). Why are small males aggressive?. Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, 272(1569), 1235-1241. https://doi.org/10.1098/rspb.2005.3085
How To Deal With Self-Hate
Understanding And Tackling Self-Hatred
Self-hate is a psychological state that can be difficult to understand and even harder to cope with. Many people experience self-hate at some point in their lives. But not everyone understands what it is or knows how to deal with it.
In this article, we will explore the causes of self-hate. We also cover some techniques that can be used to manage this difficult emotion.
Hating
This concept is not just feelings of self-hatred. Self-hate is a critical inner voice. This character represents a complex set of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours around themes of negative self-evaluation and rejection.
Disorted thoughts about your abilities, self-worth, and opinions of others can lead to feelings of anxiety, frustration, and hopelessness. These issues are compounded by problematic behaviours. Examples include withdrawal from others, giving up on important tasks, excessive approval seeking, setting unrealistic expectations, or self-neglect.
The result is a vicious cycle of thoughts, feelings and behaviours that intensify self-hatred.
What are the causes of self-hate?
There are many different factors that can contribute to self-hate. In some cases, it may be the result of negative messages that were received during childhood experiences. For example, a child is likely to develop a negative self-image if constantly told they are worthless or stupid.
In other cases, self-hate may be the result of comparing oneself to others. Feelings of inadequacy can occur when someone believes that they are not good enough or compare well to others. Social media can be especially unhelpful when people seek out profiles of those who appear to have it all.
Additionally, certain life experiences can trigger self-hate. For instance, being the victim of bullying or discrimination can cause someone to see themselves in a negative light.
Some mental health conditions can contribute to self-hatred. Depression, for example, is often associated with negative self-image. In social anxiety, a person may develop a negative self-image through the assumption that others make critical evaluations.
Anxiety and depression are not the only mental health issues with potential links to self-hatred. Any mental health issue with long-term effects can lead to self-loathing.
How can I respond to self-hate?
There are several different techniques that can be used to address self-hate.
One approach is to challenge negative thoughts of self-hatred. This may involve questioning why you believe certain things about yourself and looking at evidence that disproves these beliefs. Problematic thought patterns are often driven by various cognitive distortions. It pays to practice catching negative self talk.
Another option is to focus on self-compassion. This means being kind and understanding towards yourself, even if you make mistakes or fall short of your goals. Additionally, increasing positive self-talk and participating in activities that make you feel good about yourself can help.
Some other techniques that can be used to cope with self-hate include:
-Identifying and avoiding people who contribute to your self-hatred.
-Building a support system of friends, family, or professionals who can offer positive messages and honest feedback about you.
-Spend time engaging in self-care activities such as exercise, relaxation, and healthy eating.
-Practicing mindfulness and meditation to help you become more aware of negative thoughts and feelings.
-Seeking professional help from a therapist or mental health professional who can provide guidance and support.
Summary
Self-hatred is a complex set of negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviours directed towards oneself. It can be caused by many different factors, including messages received during childhood, comparing oneself to others, or certain life experiences. There are several techniques that can be used to address self-hate
If you are struggling with self-hatred, it is important to seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor. Read more about seeking online therapy here.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We an also help with self-hate. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Get to Grips with Hangxiety
Hangxiety: Why You Feel Anxious After Drinking
Have you ever felt anxious after a night of drinking? If so, you're not alone. There's a name for this phenomenon: hangxiety.
Hangxiety is the feeling of anxiety that can occur the morning after a night of drinking. While hangxiety can affect anyone, some people find this issue particularly disruptive.
What Causes Hangxiety?
There is no definitive explanation for hangxiety. However, we have some ideas about the underlying causes.
Psychologically, hangxiety can arise from concerns about your behaviour from the day before. As you well know, alcohol intoxication changes our usual behaviour. Often, we are more disinhibited.
Being 'loosened up' may result in actions you regret or anxiously analyse later. Hangxiety can arise when you worry, regret or excessively mull over how others may have assessed your behaviour.
Unfortunately, many people with underlying psychological issues drink to manage uncomfortable psychological states. For instance, problematic drinking is linked with depression and social anxiety (1). Using alcohol for these problems (or as a social lubricant) can create a vicious cycle of increasing distress and alcohol use.
In addition to psychological explanations, there are several potential physiological reasons for hangxiety:
Dehydration: There is some evidence that dehydration is associated with unpleasant psychological states, including anxiety (2)
Detoxification: Withdrawal from booze creates a host of issues, including anxiety or anxiety-like sensations (e.g., restless, jittery).
Neurotransmitter effects: When you drink, alcohol affects the levels of certain neurotransmitters, including serotonin and gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA). Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood, and GABA is a neurotransmitter with calming effects. So when alcohol decreases the levels of these neurotransmitters, it can lead to feelings of anxiety.
Sleep deprivation: Alcohol disrupts normal sleep patterns (3). There may be a relationship between poor sleep and anxiety (4).
Anxiety And Alcohol
Many people love a drink (or several more). But, some of us need to take an honest look at our alcohol consumption. This evaluation should consider the purpose of drinking and not just the amount.
While we can suggest strategies to minimise alcohol-related anxiety, don't look past the potential elephant in the room of problematic alcohol use.
We should never use alcohol to manage difficult psychological states. Alcohol will make matters worse in this context. Furthermore, look out for the signs of serious alcohol-use problems (e.g., alcohol dependency):
Frequently drinking more than intended
Failed attempts to cut down alcohol use
Spending lots of time drinking or recovering from the hangover
Periods when you can't think of anything else but drinking
Mounting problems in your personal and working life as a result of drinking
Relationship problems and/or spending less time with friends and family
Given up or cut back on important activities (e.g., playing sport)
Needing to drink increasing amounts to get the same effect
Experiencing unpleasant withdrawal symptoms (e.g., shaking, nausea, racing heart).
Experiencing any of these signs may warrant a professional assessment. Excessive alcohol use is common amongst many professional groups. This culture of drinking (e.g., Friday drinks) may mask an individual's problems with drinking.
Strategies For Coping With Hangxiety
Fortunately, there are things you can do to minimise the chances of experiencing hangxiety. You should only use these tips for occasional hangxiety with no underlying problem with alcohol. As stated above, don't mess around if you suspect a significant problem with alcohol consumption. The suggestions below will only paper over the cracks and delay appropriate help-seeking.
Drink in moderation
A no-brainer, but it needs to be stated. One of the best ways to avoid hangxiety is to drink in moderation. Of course, everyone's tolerance is different. So it's important to listen to your body and reduce drinking as hangxiety is encountered.
Eat before drinking
It's also important to eat before drinking alcohol. Alcohol is absorbed more quickly when you drink on an empty stomach. This process can intensify its effects and make hangxiety more likely. So be sure to have a meal or snack before heading out for drinks with friends.
Drink lots of water
Staying hydrated is vital when it comes to managing hangxiety (and avoiding a hangover). Make sure to drink plenty of water both before and after drinking alcohol.
Get enough sleep
Getting enough sleep is crucial for managing anxiety (and hangovers!). So if you know you're going to be drinking alcohol, be sure to get seven to eight hours of sleep the night before.
Consider talking to a professional
Consider consulting a professional if you find that your anxiety is impacting your quality of life or daily life. A therapist can help you identify any underlying issues that may be contributing to your anxiety. This person can develop an individualised treatment plan specifically tailored to your needs.
Summary
You can keep anxiety levels under control by following the above suggestions. However, hangxiety might be an indication of a problem that warrants additional help. Consider getting professional input if your drinking or anxiety is getting in the way of daily life.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Johannessen, E.L., Andersson, H.W., Bjørngaard, J.H. et al. Anxiety and depression symptoms and alcohol use among adolescents - a cross sectional study of Norwegian secondary school students. BMC Public Health 17, 494 (2017). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-017-4389-2
(2) Haghighatdoost, F., Feizi, A., Esmaillzadeh, A., Rashidi-Pourfard, N., Keshteli, A. H., Roohafza, H., & Adibi, P. (2018). Drinking plain water is associated with decreased risk of depression and anxiety in adults: Results from a large cross-sectional study. World Journal of Psychiatry, 8(3), 88-96. https://doi.org/10.5498/wjp.v8.i3.88
(3) Ebrahim, I. O., Shapiro, C. M., Williams, A. J., & Fenwick, P. B. (2013). Alcohol and sleep I: effects on normal sleep. Alcoholism, clinical and experimental research, 37(4), 539–549. https://doi.org/10.1111/acer.12006
(4) Pasquale K. Alvaro, B Psych (Honors), Rachel M. Roberts, BA (Hons), MPsych (Clinical), PhD, Jodie K. Harris, BPsych (Hons), PhD (Clin Psych), A Systematic Review Assessing Bidirectionality between Sleep Disturbances, Anxiety, and Depression, Sleep, Volume 36, Issue 7, 1 July 2013, Pages 1059–1068, https://doi.org/10.5665/sleep.2810
Guided Sleep Meditation: The What, Why, And How
Guided Sleep Meditation: Key Facts And How to Get Started
Most people know that meditation can positively affect mental and physical health. But did you know that it can also improve your sleep?
We can use sleep meditation at bedtime or whenever we need to unplug and unwind. It involves focusing on your breath and mentally unhooking from what's happening in your body.
Meditation is thought to improve sleep quality (1). However, this skill may bring other benefits, including reduced stress and anxiety, improved sleep quality, and enhanced well-being (2). However (as is usually the case), there is some variation in study findings, and further research is needed.
Sleep meditation is a great place to start if you're new to meditation. This article will give you a brief overview of sleep meditation and how it can help you get a good night's rest.
Sleep Meditation
Sleep meditation is a form of mindfulness meditation practised at bedtime. It involves focusing on your breath or some other anchor. Sleep meditation can be done lying in bed or any comfortable position.
There are many different ways to meditate. But the goal of sleep meditation is always the same.
We aim to focus attention on the present moment
We look to resist the urge to control internal processes along with way (e.g., thoughts, images, memories).
How Does Sleep Meditation Help?
Research shows that mindfulness meditation has physical effects on the body that may account for its benefits. For example, reductions in blood pressure, heart rate, and cortisol have been reported (3)
Mindfulness may also help the person develop cognitive and psychological skills linked with improved well-being. For example, mindfulness is linked with improved emotion regulation and self-awareness (4). Benefits such as reduced stress may also explain the positive effects on sleep. You're more likely to sleep well when going to bed in a calm state.
Relaxation Meditation
Follow these steps to start meditating tonight:
Find a comfortable position: You can meditate lying in bed or in any position that feels comfortable for you. If you're new to meditation, sitting up with your back straight may be helpful so that you don't fall asleep.
Focus on your breath: Close your eyes and focus on your breath as it enters and exits your body. If your mind wanders, gently bring your focus back to your breath without judgment or frustration.
Let go of thoughts: Thoughts will inevitably arise during meditation—that's normal! When they do, observe them without getting caught up in them. Then gently return your focus to your breath.
There are guided meditation for sleep options, such as sleep and meditation apps. You can also find various guided meditation audio and video clips online.
Night Meditation
Sleep meditation may help address sleep problems you're having. This tool can also improve your general health. The basic process behind meditation is straightforward, and there are no medication side effects to worry about.
Remember that significant, ongoing sleep problems will probably need specialist support. Read this article on insomnia to learn more about this problem. We utilise Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for insomnia (CBTi). This intervention is evidence-based and leads to improvements for the majority of people.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with sleep and developing mindfulness skills. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Rusch, H. L., Rosario, M., Levison, L. M., Olivera, A., Livingston, W. S., Wu, T., & Gill, J. M. (2019). The effect of mindfulness meditation on sleep quality: a systematic review and meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1445(1), 5. https://doi.org/10.1111/nyas.13996
(2) Schlechta Portella, C. F., Ghelman, R., Abdala, V., Schveitzer, M. C., & Afonso, R. F. (2021). Meditation: Evidence Map of Systematic Reviews. Frontiers in Public Health. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2021.742715
(3) Pascoe, M. C., de Manincor, M., Tseberja, J., Hallgren, M., Baldwin, P. A., & Parker, A. G. (2021). Psychobiological mechanisms underlying the mood benefits of meditation: A narrative review. Comprehensive Psychoneuroendocrinology, 6, 100037. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpnec.2021.100037
(4) Burzler, M.A., Voracek, M., Hos, M. et al. Mechanisms of Mindfulness in the General Population. Mindfulness 10, 469–480 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-018-0988-y
Here's what you can do about hyperfixation
Hyperfixate: What it is and what you can do about it
Do you find yourself getting completely lost in thought about a particular person, place, or thing? Does this intense focus interfere with your daily life? If so, you may be experiencing hyperfixation.
What is Hyperfixation?
Hyperfixation is an excessive and prolonged focus on a single object, idea, or activity. People can spend hours fixed on anything from a person or place to a memory or negative thoughts.
When we hyperfixate, we get lost in thought about the object of our focus. This can take over our lives in extreme cases. For example, we may obsess over details about the object/topic or engage in cognitive distortions like catastrophising and fortune telling.
Hyperfixation can interfere with our work, school, relationships, and overall well-being. We should seek additional support once daily life is significantly affected. For example, if we lose track of time on social media or a video game, neglecting important activities.
The Other Side
Hyperfixation does not always lead to bad outcomes. In fact, some people find this state a positive experience. An alternative experience of intense focus in called 'flow'. Coined by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, flow is state of complete absorption in an activity. Flow has the following characteristics:
Complete concentration on the task
Clarity about goals and reward
Time speeds up or slows down
The activity feels positive
The activity feels easy
There is a balance between challenge and skills
There is little, if any, conscious thought about how to do the task
There is a feeling of control
There is a real positive sense to this experience, with few negatives. This situation is different to a state of intense focus that causes distress and leads to unwanted outcomes.
The Causes
There are many possible causes of hyperfixation. Some of these include:
It could be due to an underlying mental health condition, such as Depression or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
A potential link with a brain development condition (e.g., ADHD, Autism)
Psychological trauma that leaves you 'stuck' and preoccupied with the traumatic event.
An underlying neurological condition.
Beliefs about the role of thinking in our lives. For example, you might assume that worrying about every possible negative outcome is essential to help prepare and cope with problems.
Coping Strategies
If you think you may be experiencing hyperfixation, there are some things you can do to work through it.
The first step is to seek a professional opinion on the underlying cause of this problem. An issue that significantly affects daily life often needs additional assessment and support. An appropriate professional will also help you identify the most helpful coping mechanisms beyond the suggestions in this article.
It can help to clarify the reasons for hyperfixation.
What might your brain be trying to achieve with this intense focus?
You may not be able to answer this question alone. However, you can consider the potential purpose of an activity (e.g., excessively watching tv). Or, you can speculate about the worst-case scenario if hyperfixation was stopped.
What does your catastrophising brain tell you will happen if you could magically stop this behaviour for a while?
You can think about productive alternatives to hyperfixation if you can identify a potential goal of this behaviour. For example, if hyperfixation is about preparing for adverse events, consider how else you can be ready for these outcomes. An alternative might involve writing a 'worst-case scenario coping plan').
Finally, you can engage in mental strategies that help you 'unhook' from the tendency to hyperfixate. Some potential methods include mindfulness strategies and the 'notice and name' technique.
Hyperfixated
We suggest you seek a professional opinion if hyperfixating affects your daily life. There may be an underlying psychological or medical issue causing this problem. Early identification can make life easier in the long run and ensure you get the help you need to conquer this challenge.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with hyperfixation. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Conquer Herd Mentality With These 5 Strategies
Five Strategies To Overcome Herd Mentality
Herd mentality is something to watch out for in your working and personal life. Left unspotted, this phenomenon can lead to a host of adverse outcomes. However, there are effective strategies to overcome this issue.
What is herd mentality?
Herd mentality is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when people are influenced by their peers to think, feel, or behave in a certain way. People who succumb to the herd tend to conform to the majority opinions or actions. This can occur even if someone doesn't really agree with the group's stance. This can often lead to disastrous consequences, as seen in cases of mob violence and groupthink.
Are there benefits?
Herd mentality can be beneficial in that it allows people to feel a sense of connection and belonging to a group. When people feel like they are a part of something, they are more likely to support and defend it.
Additionally, herd mentality can lead to faster decision-making. This is because people are more likely to go along with the group's choice rather than spend time deliberating. This process can be beneficial when rapid action is needed in an emergency or crisis. Finally, this phenomenon can create a sense of social conformity, which can help promote order and stability in society.
The downside
Herd mentality can have negative consequences both for the individual and for society as a whole. For example, people may adopt beliefs not in their best interest when blindly conforming to the majority opinion. In some cases, herd mentality can lead to mob behaviour and violence. Additionally, creativity and individuality can be stifled when group norms overly influence people.
How can you overcome it?
There are ways to overcome herd mentality. Here are five suggestions.
Awareness
An awareness of herd mentality is essential. Understanding this phenomenon and its development keeps you alert to its potential presence. Key signs of herd mentality include:
Lack or absence of diverse opinions
Pressure to conform to a majority position
Presence of cognitive biases and heuristics
Criticism, bullying, or personal attacks on those who divert from the prevailing viewpoint
Encourage diverse viewpoints
Keep an open mind. It's important to be open to different viewpoints and opinions, even if they differ from your own. Keeping an open mind makes you less likely to be influenced by the herd mentality.
Seek out dissenting viewpoints. If you're looking to make an informed decision, it's vital to seek out dissenting viewpoints. Diversity will help you form your own opinion rather than blindly following the herd.
Mix with a diverse group of people
It can be comforting to be around people who share your thoughts, values, and lifestyle. However, mixing up your circle of friends and colleagues is a great way to broaden your worldview. A wide perspective allows you to see where a group perspective may overly influence you.
A supportive mindset
One of the main reasons people fall victim to herd mentality is because they're afraid of being different. Characterising difference as an asset will help foster diversity. Also, you can approach dissenting viewpoints with curiosity: Take time to understand the origins of alternative perspectives.
Reflective practice
Structured reflection is a great way to review your thinking critically. This article explains this process using a four-step model.
Summary
Herd mentality is a phenomenon whereby people adopt the opinions and behaviours of the majority. While herd mentality can have some benefits, it can also be detrimental to both individuals and society as a whole. However, there are ways to overcome herd mentality, including raising awareness, encouraging diverse viewpoints, and practising reflective thinking.
Further reading
Several other resources are available to challenge your thinking. Here are a couple of examples:
Adam Grant’s book ‘Think Again’.
Olivia Telford’s book ‘Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help you overcome the herd mentality. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles.
Five Strategies to Calm Down
Five Strategies to Help You Calm Down
We've all been there before. You're feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, and you just can't seem to shake it off.
Thankfully, there is a multitude of ways to help calm distressing and difficult inner psychological states. This article discusses five effective ways to quiet your mind and ease your anxiety.
Identify Your Triggers
Before we look at the strategies themselves, it is crucial to emphasise the importance of identifying what triggers those feelings in the first place.
Do you get anxious when you have to speak in public? Do work deadlines stress you out? Or does dealing with family members always leave you feeling frazzled? Once you know your triggers, you can start developing a strategy for managing them.
Strategy 1: Practice Deep Breathing
Deep breathing is one of the most simple and effective ways to calm your nerves and ease anxiety. When we're stressed, our breathing becomes shallower and faster, aggravating anxiety symptoms. By taking deep, slow breaths, we can activate our body's relaxation response and help reduce feelings of stress.
Try this great diaphragm breathing exercise on the Skills Videos page.
Strategy 2: Get Moving
Exercise is another excellent way to manage stress and anxiety. When we exercise, our bodies release endorphins—the "feel good" hormones that improve our mood and help us relax. Even a moderate amount of exercise can significantly affect how we feel. So next time you're feeling stressed, try going for a walk, taking a yoga class, or going for a swim.
Strategy 3: Connect with Friends or Family Members
Sometimes all we need is a little support from our loved ones to help us feel better. When we're feeling stressed, talking to someone who understands and can offer words of encouragement can be very helpful.
But there is another reason to connect.
Unpleasant psychological states lead to problematic thinking patterns. These thoughts tend to make matters worse. Talking to others lets you hear various points of view. These perspectives can stop you from getting trapped by unhelpful thoughts.
Strategy 4: Take a Break from Technology
In today's world, it's easy to become addicted to our phones and computers. We're constantly checking email, social media, and the news—all of that information overload can leave us feeling frazzled and stressed out.
Sometimes the best thing we can do for our mental health is to take a break from technology and disconnect from the digital world for a while. Spend some time outside in nature, read a book, or spend time enjoying the company of those closest to you without any distractions.
Strategy 5: Mentally Unhook
Mentally stepping back and observing our difficult psychological states is a great way to achieve calm. We can often achieve this outcome through mindfulness exercises or the notice and name approach.
Some people don't need to challenge unhelpful thoughts or change their activity. Observing what's happening in your body allows an 'unhooking' from what's happening and shifts our mental state.
Calmed Down
Difficult and overwhelming psychological states are experiences we all deal with from time to time. But there are ways to manage those feelings effectively.
The next time you're feeling overwhelmed, try implementing some of these simple strategies into your life. From deep breathing exercises to spending time with loved ones, there are plenty of ways to calm your nerves and ease anxiety. So don't suffer in silence—try these techniques the next time stress strikes.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help bring an enhanced sense of calm to your life. Read more about my work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Hate Your Life? Here's What To Do
I Hate My life: Here Are The 5 Things To Do
Most of us feel fed up, frustrated, and lost at some stage. Hating your life can be an extreme state, particularly if it is long-standing. Even if you've hit rock bottom, you can bounce back if you hate your day to day life.
Use the strategies outlined below to turn things around.
Assess the scale of the problem
Determine how long you've felt this way and how frequently this mindset arises.
Start by considering how fixed this mindset is. Long-standing hatred that is present every day could signal a big problem. Consider seeking professional help in these circumstances. You may be facing a big challenge that requires additional support.
Identify your passions and interests
You must have 'internally meaningful' activities in your life. That is, you should do things that are personally fulfilling. You will lack purpose and motivation if you constantly do what you think other people want you to do. Work these activities into your daily life.
Start small. Spend time exploring new hobbies or activities that interest you. Focus on the process (immersing yourself in the activity) rather than the outcome.
Connect with others
Have regular social time in your schedule, and confide in people you really trust. Social support is critical to your mental health, sense of meaning and belongingness. Learn about social anxiety if you feel anxious or uncomfortable in social situations.
Reach out to those around you. Whether it's friends or family, good health comes from staying connected with others. If you're having trouble meeting new people, there are plenty of ways to get involved in your community. Volunteer at a local organisation, join a club or class or attend community events.
Use social media to make initial connections. But take these interactions offline asap and interact in the real world.
Celebrate your accomplishments along the way
Small wins really matter.
Some people write off their successes through imposter syndrome or constantly focusing on what's left to be achieved. Stopping to savour your daily achievements will help you to maximise the benefits.
Reward yourself for making progress, no matter how small. A little positive reinforcement can go a long way in helping you stay motivated.
Take a long-term approach
Improving a life you dislike is no small task. Finding what makes you happy and seeing consistent results may take time. Keeping expectations realistic from day one will reduce the risk of feeling frustrated and beaten down by unreasonable targets.
Also, focus on what you can control. You may not be able to change your job or relationship overnight, but there are plenty of things you can control. For example,
You can control how you spend your free time
You can control how you react to stressful situations
You can control your attitude and outlook
Summary
If you're finding that you hate your life, it's essential to take some time to understand why that is. It may be due to a big challenge that you're facing. Or it could be a lack of passion, meaning, or social support in your life.
Whatever the reason, there are things you can do to turn things around. Identify your passions and interests, connect with others, and celebrate your accomplishments along the way.
Taking a long-term approach will help you see lasting results. You can feel good again.
Finally, you need to seek urgent help if you feel depressed, feel hopeless or have thoughts of suicide.
I am a Coaching & Clinical Psychologist with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help if you hate your life. Read more about my work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Am I Being Unreasonable (AIBU)? Here Are The 3 Key Signs
Mumsnet AIBU: Spot & Respond to Being Unreasonable
Forget Mumsnet. We've answered the question 'Am I being unreasonable (AIBU)' in this article.
Recognising when we are acting unreasonably in a discussion can be difficult. A type of 'mental blindness' can occur when emotions are high and/or we feel strongly about an issue. However, being unreasonable can seriously damage our relationships.
Knowing the signs of this state can help diffuse the situation and increase the odds of a positive outcome. There are several key signs that we may be being unreasonable.
An awareness of these signals can help you remain positive and constructive in relationships.
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Why Am I Being Unreasonable?
The reasons are varied and will change from person to person. However, some common reasons include:
Being ‘caught’ by intense emotions
Difficulty taking another person’s perspective
Underling relationship problems
A person having negative beliefs about their own personality and skills (e.g., low self-esteem)
Difficult personality traits, such as narcissism.
Underlying psychological issues, such as depression or anxiety.
The Signs
There are several key signs that you may be being unreasonable:
Refusing to listen to or acknowledge the other person's perspective
An unwillingness or inability to see things from another person's perspective may signal unreasonableness. In essence, you are not valuing another point of view. Failing to stand in the other person's shoes causes several problems. Lack of perspective-taking inhibits joint problem-solving, shuts communication, creates misunderstandings and leads to resentment.
Insisting on always being right
No one ever has all the answers. Constantly thinking you are right should be a red flag and indicate potential unreasonableness. This mental inflexibility prevents you from seeing multiple outcomes or solutions to a situation.
Ironically, thinking you are always right often leads to lower success or effectiveness. This behaviour can also make it difficult to resolve disagreements or conflicts. It is hard to back down when you always think you are right. Ultimately, this type of behaviour can damage relationships and impede productivity.
Only caring about your own interests
When someone is behaving unreasonably, it can often be challenging to have any productive discussion or negotiation. This is because the other person is only thinking about their own interests. This can cause a lot of tension and problems in relationships. An unreasonable person will often be very inflexible and unwilling to compromise.
Conflict and resentment can result as the other person feels like they are constantly being taken advantage of. Ultimately, this type of behaviour can cause a lot of damage to relationships.
How To Respond
If you realise that you are behaving unreasonably, the first thing to do is make a genuine apology. You must acknowledge the behaviour and attempt to make amends. Failure to do this will prevent any reduction in ill feeling. It is hard to move forward when the other person remains frustrated and resentful.
The next step is to increase flexibility in thinking and behaviour. Some strategies to achieve this include:
Do something to reduce the emotional intensity. Take a self time-out, use a relaxation strategy, or try a mindfulness exercise. Strong, unpleasant emotions tend to keep people in an unreasonable frame of mind.
Next, re-enter the conversation and understand the other person's perspective. The Resist, Gather, Validate, Ask approach is a great way to achieve this goal.
Finally, challenge your thinking by answering any of the following questions:
What am I assuming in this situation? Are there any problems with this assumption?
What's another way to see this situation?
What would I say to a friend who came to me for help with these inflexible thoughts?
How would I want another person to change their thinking if they had these thoughts towards me?
Summary
You can learn to spot the signs of being unreasonable. Use the above signs to build this skill. By using the above strategies, you can address this behaviour and improve your communication skills. This outcome can improve relationships and the quality of your interactions with others.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help if you think you’re being unreasonable with others. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Understanding Change to Make Positive Shifts
Using the Cycle of Change for Psychological Problems
The Prochaska & DiClemente cycle of change is a stages of change model that helps to explain the process of behavioural change. This 'transtheoretical model' has been used in various contexts, particularly health promotion and health behaviour change. However, this approach can be applied to a range of other issues.
The model suggests that people undergo a series of stages to change their behaviour. These stages are:
Pre contemplation
Contemplation
Preparation
Action
Maintenance
Relapse
Each stage has challenges and tasks that must be completed to move on to the next stage.
Cycle Of Change
The precontemplation stage is when someone is not yet aware that they have a problem. They may deny an issue or simply not see a problem. This is where someone first needs to become aware of their problem before beginning the change process.
The contemplation stage is when someone is aware of an issue and begins considering a change. People in this stage may still be undecided about whether or not they want to change, but they are starting to think about it.
The preparation stage is when someone has decided that they want to change their behaviour and begins to take steps towards making that change. For example, they may start researching ways to change or seek support from others.
The action stage is when someone is actively working to change behaviour. For example, they may be seeking professional assistance or making lifestyle changes. Ideally, actions are based on a plan for success (rather than random acts)
The maintenance stage is when someone successfully changes their behaviour and works to prevent relapse. However, relapse is part of the process of change. Developing strategies to cope with setbacks allow people to achieve long-term change.
Change: How To
The Prochaska & DiClemente cycle of change can help people with psychological challenges (e.g., changing health behaviour, recovering from depression) by helping them understand the stages of change and what challenges they may face at each stage.
We use these stages to identify where people are in the change process. This model can also help people understand what to expect when making important life changes. Breaking the change process down helps people focus on the small steps needed to achieve long-term goals.
People can move back and forth between some stages. reverting to earlier stages is part of the change process, just like relapse.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help people maximise success through change processes. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Here's What You Can Learn About Feeling Down Quotes
Feeling Down Quotes: How They Can Help You
Life throws many challenges our way. We can't always live the good life.
Feeling sad or down is a common psychological issue. It can be helpful to read quotes about overcoming adversity when you're feeling this way. For some, quotes provide the impetus for positive change.
Here are some quotes about feeling down, and what we can learn from them:
"The hardest part of any journey is taking the first step." - Proverb
We often feel unmotivated, hopeless, and lacking in energy when experiencing low mood. But, we can start to lift our mood when we 'act from the 'outside-in' by increasing activity levels. This is an alternative to saying "I'll do more when I start to feel better".
"The only way out is through." - Robert Frost
This quote reminds us that there is no easy way to overcome low mood or depression. Improving mood takes time and effort. This is especially so in the case of clinical depression. Staying committed to depression-fighting activities over time is one of the most challenging aspects of low mood recovery.
"You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great." - Zig Ziglar
This quote is a reminder that even when we're feeling low, we can still take steps towards achieving our goals. We don't have to be perfect to make progress. Starting small (e.g., talking a short daily walk) can be enough to get moving in a positive direction.
"A big part of depression is feeling really lonely, even if you're in a room full of a million people." -Lilly Singh
Feeling isolated is common when feeling low. It is really important to counteract this by connecting with others. Reaching out helps avoid living in a depression-fuelled world of warped reality. Social support is a key resource when bouncing back from low mood.
"Every morning we are born again. What we do today matters most." -Unknown
This quote is a reminder that each day is a new opportunity to make positive changes in our lives. A bad day doesn't stop the next being better. It is easy to feel overwhelmed when depressed. Focus just on what you can achieve today. The rest of the week (and months ahead) will take care of themselves.
"Any fool can be happy. It takes a man with real heart to make beauty out of the stuff that makes us weep." - Clive Barker
Adversity is inevitable. Life is easy when all is running smoothly. It takes real skill to lean in towards adversity, learn from it, and apply those lessons to mood management.
Examining painful emotional states like low mood takes some bravery. However, people can benefit greatly from this process.
Sad Quotes
There is an important distinction between 'feeling down' and serious clinical depression. Read more information on this topic.
Some people do need professional support to manage low mood and speed up recovery. Here is an article about finding a therapist and another on what to expect in sessions.
Take your mental health seriously. Seek help today if you're struggling with a serious psychological issue. The good times can return with the right type of assistance.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with low mood and depression. Read more about our work, or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Here's What To Do If You're Afraid To Feel Emotions
Afraid to Feel Your Emotions? You Need to Read This
Our bodies are designed to produce emotions, both good and bad. But for some people, certain emotions can be so overwhelming that they start to avoid them altogether. If you find yourself in this situation, it's essential to understand that avoidance can actually make your emotional distress worse in the long run.
Why We Avoid Emotions
There are several reasons why we might start avoiding certain emotions. Here are some possibilities:
We might believe we can't handle feeling those emotions.
We might also think that if we give in to our emotions, we'll never be able to stop feeling them.
We might be concerned about negative judgements from others.
Or, we might be afraid of the longer-term effects if we let ourselves feel those emotions fully.
We live in a society that tells us to "just suck it up" and "deal with it." So when faced with challenging emotions, we can think it's weak or wrong to show them. We might even believe that people will judge or think less of us if we show our emotions.
Unfortunately, some people do judge personality based on emotional experiences and control. Emotional suppression and avoidance are methods to cope with the perceived unacceptability of strong emotions.
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Information Sources
When we avoid our emotions, we also avoid important learning opportunities. Understanding the reasons for these emotions (and the urge to avoid them) provides information we can use to manage ourselves in more effective ways. For example, anger might be caused by perceived unfair treatment. Avoiding anger might occur because we're afraid of losing control and hurting someone physically or emotionally.
The Consequences of Avoiding Emotions
Avoidance might seem like the best solution in the moment. However, this strategy has several consequences that worsen emotional distress in the long run.
When we try to bottle up our emotions, they have a way of coming out eventually—usually at the most inconvenient times. And when they do come out, they can be more intense than before. So it's not surprising that we would want to avoid them altogether.
Avoidance can also lead to isolation. We may tend to avoid others if we believe we are defective. This means we miss important opportunities to connect with others and test unhelpful beliefs about emotions. Over time, isolation can compound our emotional distress and make it even harder to reach out for help when needed.
Avoidance can interfere with our ability to function in daily life. When we're constantly trying to avoid certain emotions, it takes up a lot of mental energy—energy that could be better spent on important activities.
The Song
'Afraid to Feel' is a song created in 2019 and released by Scottish duo LF System. The song prominently samples the Philadelphia International Records act Silk's 1979 song ' I can't stop (turning you on)'.
Scanning the lyrics, the song doesn't give much in the way of advice about good emotion management! That probably won't surprise you.
But there is one line in the song: 'Are you afraid to feel what you know it's real?'. This is an example of emotional avoidance. Some people try and avoid feelings of attraction to others. There can be several reasons for this (e.g., prior bad experiences in a relationship).
What you Can Do
The key to feeling more comfortable with emotions is gradual exposure and exploration. Here are some articles to help you along the way:
Summary
Emotional avoidance might seem like the best solution in the moment, but it can actually make your emotional distress worse in the long run by isolating you from others and interfering with your ability to function in daily life.
If you're struggling to cope with your emotions on your own, you may want to reach out to a professional who can help you understand and replace avoidance with more useful strategies.
Further reading:
Many people have found Thibaut Meurisse’s book on emotion regulation helpful.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with fear of emotions. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
About Psychology and Online Resources
Simply Psychology: The importance of psychological knowledge and skills
Psychology is the branch of science involving the study of human behaviour and the mind. It helps us understand why people think, feel, and behave the way they do. It also provides ways to treat mental health problems.
Many think psychology is only important for people going through tough times or mental health issues. However, psychological thinking and skills can be helpful for people in almost any situation. It helps us to understand our thoughts and emotions and how they affect our behaviour. It also helps us to understand other people and why they behave the way they do.
Psychology can help you better understand yourself.
Identifying and understanding key psychological theories behind your thinking and behaviour patterns can demystify your inner states. This can reduce anxiety, confusion, and perceived inability to make positive changes.
Psychology can help you to relate better to other people.
Psychology can also help you to understand other people better. For example, if you know why someone behaves a certain way, it can be easier to respond helpfully.
Psychology can help you to make positive changes in your life.
Once you understand how your thoughts and emotions affect your behaviour, you can use this knowledge to make positive changes in your life. For example, psychological theories can give you insight into the factors contributing to smoking. This information can be used to develop an effective quitting strategy.
Background
The history of psychology dates back to the time of Aristotle, who studied human behaviour and mental processes. However, it was not until the late 19th century that psychology was established as a separate discipline.
Different schools of thought emerged during this time, each with its unique approach to understanding human behaviour. These included structuralism, functionalism, psychoanalysis, and behaviourism.
Today, psychology is a vast field that includes many different branches and approaches. Some of the most popular branches include cognitive psychology, developmental psychology (covering moral development to cognitive maturation), social psychology, and clinical psychology.
Summary
Psychology is a complex and fascinating field that has helped us to understand human behaviour better. Many resources are available if you're interested in learning more about psychology. You can also consult many different types of psychologists for help if you're experiencing mental health problems.
Here are some useful online resources:
AQA resource list of teaching and learning materials in psychology (e.g., introduction to the subject, class materials)
Psychology tools has a great self-help section covering the key psychological issues
Very well mind resource section on various topics
There is information and tips on various psychological topics on our articles page. You can also access skills videos here.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Anxiety Pen: Think before you grab
The Anxiety Pen- A New Tool in the Fight Against Anxiety?
Anxiety is a real and debilitating condition that affects millions of people worldwide. While many traditional treatments are available, some people are looking for new and innovative ways to combat their anxiety.
Enter the anxiety pen.
Anxiety Pen Types
An anxiety pen is a tool used by some people to cope with anxiety. There are two main types of pens:
Pens that are very similar to vapes, containing Cannabidiol (CBD)
Pens that emit a soft light, spray essential oils, have breathing timers, fidget spinners, or some other function to promote relaxation and/or distraction.
CBD Vape
CBD vapes are one of the most popular ways to consume CBD. They work by heating a cartridge of CBD oil and inhaling the vapour. This allows the CBD to be absorbed directly into the bloodstream.
There is some evidence that CBD may reduce anxiety (1, 2). But there are many scientific knowledge gaps on this topic (3, 4).
While it may be a promising treatment option, a vape will never teach you practical stress and anxiety management strategies. Skill development is still the best way to address the underlying causes of anxiety for longer-term benefits.
Pens With Benefits?
There is little, if any, scientific evaluation of the second type of anxiety pen. In general, distraction is not an effective long-term strategy as it may promote avoidance of difficult psychological states. Avoidance prevents you from understanding, tolerating, and developing effective responses to stress and anxiety. For any strategy to be truly successful, it must bring long-term reductions in anxiety, not just give you a short burst of relief.
Why Anxiety Pens?
Anxiety pens offer portability and ease of use. Smoking a vape or watching a light beam is easy and requires no learning and practice.
However, long-term reductions in anxiety always entail effort and practice. You just can’t get around this fact. Commitment and practice are required for the development of any life skill. People accept that good physical fitness doesn’t appear from nowhere.
You must spend time exercising, preparing healthy food, and taking other steps to protect yourself (e.g., brushing your teeth).
Summary
Vape pens may help manage anxiety symptoms in the short run, but we have more to learn about this tool. There is a real lack of evidence for other types of anxiety pens. Even if we discover that all anxiety pens bring benefits, they will never help you develop psychological skills that bring long-term success.
Don’t be tempted by shortcuts. Instead, consider investing time and effort into developing psychological thinking and skills. You will receive years of benefits to your well-being as a result.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is one great option for anxiety management. You can also try additional techniques on the Skills Videos page.
Further reading:
Here is a helpful book using CBT to manage various forms of anxiety
This combines CBT with mindfulness skills in managing anxiety
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with various anxiety issues. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Millar, S. A., Stone, N. L., Bellman, Z. D., Yates, A. S., & England, T. J. (2019). A systematic review of cannabidiol dosing in clinical populations. British Journal of Clinical Pharmacology, 85(9), 1888-1900. https://doi.org/10.1111/bcp.14038
(2) Khan, R., Naveed, S., Mian, N. et al. The therapeutic role of Cannabidiol in mental health: a systematic review. J Cannabis Res 2, 2 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1186/s42238-019-0012-y
(3) Wright, M., Ciano, P. D., & Brands, B. (2020). Use of Cannabidiol for the Treatment of Anxiety: A Short Synthesis of Pre-Clinical and Clinical Evidence. Cannabis and Cannabinoid Research, 5(3), 191-196. https://doi.org/10.1089/can.2019.0052
(4) Skelley, J. W., Deas, C. M., Curren, Z., & Ennis, J. (2020). Use of cannabidiol in anxiety and anxiety-related disorders. Journal of the American Pharmacists Association, 60(1), 253-261. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.japh.2019.11.008
Stress Balls: Stress relief nirvana or a con?
The Stress Ball: Does it work?
For years, stress balls have been a popular tool for managing stress and anxiety. But are they really stress relievers? Let's look at the science behind stress balls to see if there's any merit to their use.
Stress Toys
The first thing to understand is that stress is a physical response. When we feel stressed, our bodies produce cortisol, a hormone that helps us deal with challenging situations. Cortisol prepares our bodies for "fight or flight" by increasing our heart rate and blood pressure. While this response can be helpful in short-term situations, chronic stress can lead to health problems such as heart disease, high blood pressure, and diabetes.
One way to counteract the physical effects of stress is through relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. These techniques help to lower our heart rate and blood pressure. Stress balls are another stress management technique for some. The theory is that stress-reducing techniques:
Reduce physiological stress
Provide a distraction
Give comfort
....or a combination of the above
Stress balls for adults
The main message from the scientific literature is that we haven't done enough studies to be really sure about the benefits of stress balls (and other sensory toys). Overall, there are mixed findings with small samples of diverse participants measuring stress in various ways. Small sample sizes are not ideal because they raise the probability that positive findings are due to chance. In addition, different groups of people and stress measures make it hard to compare studies.
A couple of examples:
One small study found that dialysis patients experienced reduced stress when using a ball for 10-15 minutes over eight treatment sessions (1).
Another small study of university students found no benefit of stress balls when measuring physical stress indicators (e.g., blood pressure) (2)
Stress is not the only outcome investigated by scientists. For example, one group of researchers found that stress ball use was associated with improved attention (3). So, the question 'are stress balls effective' might partly depend on the outcome you're interested in.
Alternatives
A stress ball is not your only option for managing stress. There is a wide range of alternative activities with more convincing outcome data. Some well-validated approaches are (4, 5, 6):
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR)
Meditation
Physical activity
A stress ball may appeal because it's an easy thing to do that doesn't require a time investment of practice and skill development. However, anyone serious about long-term anxiety management should consider a scientifically-supported alternative.
Squishy ball
So, do stress balls work?
The jury is still out, but I wouldn't put all your round-shaped objects in that particular basket. We need more good-quality research to understand any positive effects of stress balls.
We could all do with stress relief in our busy lives. So consider an alternative strategy that has good evidence for effectiveness. This will increase the probability of long-term success with your well-being.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also provide effective stress management strategies. Read more about my work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Kasar, K. S., Erzincanli, S., & Akbas, N. T. (2020). The effect of a stress ball on stress, vital signs and patient comfort in hemodialysis patients: A randomized controlled trial. Complementary Therapies in Clinical Practice, 41, 101243. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ctcp.2020.101243
(2) https://minds.wisconsin.edu/handle/1793/80293
(3) https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ853381.pdf
(4) Paudel NR, Adhikari BA, Prakash KC, et alEffectiveness of interventions on the stress management of schoolteachers: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Occupational and Environmental Medicine 2022;79:477-485.
(5) Schlechta Portella, C. F., Ghelman, R., Abdala, V., Schveitzer, M. C., & Afonso, R. F. (2021). Meditation: Evidence Map of Systematic Reviews. Frontiers in Public Health. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpubh.2021.742715
(6) Mücke, M., Ludyga, S., Colledge, F., & Gerber, M. (2018). Influence of Regular Physical Activity and Fitness on Stress Reactivity as Measured with the Trier Social Stress Test Protocol: A Systematic Review. Sports medicine (Auckland, N.Z.), 48(11), 2607–2622. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40279-018-0979-0
The Johari Window: Awesome Or Average?
The Johari Window: Genius or Ghastly?
The Johari Window is a tool created by psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in 1955. It is used by various professionals (e.g., therapists, teachers, business professionals). People use this model to facilitate personal development, increase self awareness, improve communication, and develop group relationships.
The tool is based on the premise that there is public and private information about ourselves. The Johari Window is intended to raise awareness of private information we hide from others (e.g., team members). This knowledge can then be applied to improving communication and relationships.
Johari Window Model
A four-quadrant grid comprises the Johari Window model. Each quadrant represents a different category of personal information. The four areas are:
Open self: An open area of knowledge known to both ourselves and others.
Blind self: Blind areas known to others but not to ourselves.
Hidden self: Hidden areas of information that are known only to ourselves.
Undiscovered self: Unknown areas that neither we nor others are aware of.
Each quadrant contains different information types, each one serving a different purpose. For example, the hidden self contains information that can shed light on anxiety blind spots. The undiscovered self can be explored with a professional to understand hidden psychological barriers to goal progress.
The Johari Window can be used with individuals and in group development activities. When applied to an individual, it can help us become aware of the private information we keep hidden. When applied to group dynamics, it can help us identify areas where members need to focus on inter group relationships.
The Problems
There are several criticisms of the Johari Window. Some argue that it does not consider that we don't always present our authentic selves in public. For example, we may put on a front when we are around people we do not know well to appear more socially acceptable.
Another criticism is that it oversimplifies human behaviour by dividing it into four distinct categories.
Some people have critiqued the lack of understanding of various cultures.
Despite its limitations, the Johari Window remains a popular tool for understanding human behaviour and interpersonal relationships. This is due to its simplicity and ability to be applied in individual and group settings.
Summary
The Johari Window can be a useful framework for understanding individual and interpersonal issues. However, we should know its limitations to know the best time to use this tool.
Further reading:
There are several other resources to develop self-awareness. Here are a few examples:
Julie Smith’s popular book covers several issues that people often struggle to understand.
We can learn much about our ‘relationship’ with ourselves through self-compassion skills.
Some people develop self-knowledge through philosophical and spiritual traditions like the Toltec.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.