Calming Music & Your Well-Being: Does It Help?
How might calming music benefit your health?
People listen to music for many reasons. Control of emotions and increased self-awareness are important functions (1).
We have various theories about how music may bring benefits. Examples include (2):
Through physically calming the body (e.g., lowering heart rate)
By increasing social connections
Improved mental/cognitive performance
Enhancing self-esteem
We have more work to do in understanding how music brings benefits. This area is important because we can improve interventions when we understand what's going on 'under the hood'.
The effectiveness of music
Music is a promising approach to mental health and well-being. However, various shortcomings with existing studies prevent us from making firm conclusions (3).
That being said, we are fairly safe in saying there are small to moderate effects in various areas of physical and mental functioning. Regarding stress, music seems to decrease physical and psychological indicators of stress (e.g., blood pressure, self-rated stress levels) (4).
Music appears to improve other areas of functioning that influence well-being. For instance, music has positive effects on sleep (5).
What you do when listening to music may influence effectiveness. For instance, those who dwell on low mood while listening to music may lead to intensified depression (6).
Calm music
Though more research is needed to definitively say whether or not listening to calm music benefits mental health, there is some evidence to suggest that it could be helpful. Be mindful of what you're doing when listening to music, and avoid getting dragged down by unhelpful repetitive thinking about your difficulties.
A relaxing playlist
Here’s my relaxing playlist for you….
Here is another example playlist of calming music.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Schäfer, T., Sedlmeier, P., Städtler, C., & Huron, D. (2013). The psychological functions of music listening. Frontiers in Psychology, 4. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00511
(2) Dingle, G. A., Sharman, L. S., Bauer, Z., Beckman, E., Broughton, M., Bunzli, E., Davidson, R., Draper, G., Fairley, S., Farrell, C., Flynn, L. M., Gomersall, S., Hong, M., Larwood, J., Lee, C., Lee, J., Nitschinsk, L., Peluso, N., Reedman, S. E., . . . Wright, O. R. (2021). How Do Music Activities Affect Health and Well-Being? A Scoping Review of Studies Examining Psychosocial Mechanisms. Frontiers in Psychology. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.713818
(3) Golden, T. L., Springs, S., Kimmel, H. J., Gupta, S., Tiedemann, A., Sandu, C. C., & Magsamen, S. (2021). The Use of Music in the Treatment and Management of Serious Mental Illness: A Global Scoping Review of the Literature. Frontiers in Psychology. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.649840
(4) Martina de Witte, Anouk Spruit, Susan van Hooren, Xavier Moonen & Geert-Jan Stams (2020) Effects of music interventions on stress-related outcomes: a systematic review and two meta-analyses, Health Psychology Review, 14:2, 294-324, DOI: 10.1080/17437199.2019.162789
(5) Wang, C., Li, G., Zheng, L., Meng, X., Meng, Q., Wang, S., Yin, H., Chu, J., & Chen, L. (2021). Effects of music intervention on sleep quality of older adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Complementary Therapies in Medicine, 59, 102719. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ctim.2021.102719
(6) Kanagala, S. C., Schäfer, T., Greenberg, D. M., & Gabińska, A. (2021). Depression Symptoms Relationship With Music Use: Investigating the Role of Trait Affect, Musical Ability, Music Preferences. Music & Science. https://doi.org/10.1177/20592043211057217
Dynamic Interpersonal Therapy
Dynamic Interpersonal Therapy: What You Need To Know
Dynamic interpersonal therapy (DIT) is one of the time-limited talking therapies (usually 16 sessions) focused on helping people change their patterns of interactional behaviour to improve their social functioning. DIT is known as a psychodynamic psychotherapy.
This therapy has been shown to effectively treat various mental health problems, including depression (1) and anxiety disorders (2). However, this evidence base is currently small. Further evaluation is required for DIT.
The goals of DIT are to help patients develop more satisfying and productive relationships with others and increase their overall satisfaction with life. DIT achieves these goals by teaching patients how to communicate more effectively with others and better manage their emotions.
What are some of the key techniques?
Key techniques used in DIT include role-playing, modelling, and feedback. In role-playing exercises, patients practice new ways of interacting with others in a safe and controlled environment. This allows them to experiment with different behaviours and see how they affect their interactions with others.
Modelling involves observing and imitating the behaviour of successful communicators. This helps patients learn new skills by seeing them demonstrated in action.
Feedback is another important element of DIT, as it allows patients to receive guidance and direction from their therapist regarding their progress and goals.
Are there any potential drawbacks to this approach?
Potential drawbacks to this approach include the possibility that patients may not be ready to change their interactional patterns and that the therapy may require significant time and effort. Additionally, DIT may not be appropriate for all mental health problems.
Who might benefit from this type of therapy?
DIT focuses on emotional and relationship issues. It is helpful in treating depressed patients and anxiety disorders. However, this type of therapy might also benefit people who are struggling with other mental health issues. If you are considering DIT, it is essential to consult a mental health professional to determine if this therapy is right for you.
DIT is offered through various avenues. The therapy is provided through the Improving Access to Psychological Therapies service in the UK. DIT training can be undertaken in places such as the Anna Freud centre.
Summary
Overall, DIT is a promising approach to treating mental health problems. By teaching patients how to communicate and manage their emotions effectively, DIT can help improve mental health and relationships. Although there are some potential drawbacks to this approach, research has shown that it is effective in reducing symptoms of mental illness and improving social functioning. If you are struggling with mental health issues, consult a mental health professional to see if DIT might be right for you.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We also offer several evidence-based talking therapies. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Fonagy, P., Lemma, A., Target, M., O'Keeffe, S., Constantinou, M., Ventura Wurman, T., . . . Pilling, S. (2020). Dynamic interpersonal therapy for moderate to severe depression: A pilot randomized controlled and feasibility trial. Psychological Medicine, 50(6), 1010-1019. doi:10.1017/S0033291719000928
(2) https://www.researchgate.net/publication/278741048_An_investigation_into_the_effectiveness_of_Dynamic_Interpersonal_Therapy_DIT_as_a_treatment_for_depression_and_anxiety_in_IAPT
The top 5 strategies for coping with a yelling wife
My Wife Yells At Me: Here's What To Do
Men being yelled at by their partner or wife may feel confused, embarrassed, anxious or alone. It can be difficult to understand what is happening and how to stop it. Therefore, it is essential to define yelling and psychological abuse to understand the phenomenon better.
Defining yelling and psychological abuse
Yelling is a form of communication that is often used in an attempt to assert dominance or control over another person. It can involve raising one's voice, insults, offensive language, or threats.
On the other hand, psychological or emotional abuse is a more broad category of behaviour. It refers to any action used to control, intimidate, or manipulate another person. This can include derogatory comments, threats, withholding love and support, or humiliation.
These behaviours should be a red flag to those targeted by such acts. Safety concerns and mental health problems are potential issues with ongoing abuse.
Yelling may not necessarily constitute abusive behaviour. But, it can damage a relationship and the recipient's well-being.
Join TPP+ Today
Premium content to boost your performance, wellbeing and life success.
The effects of yelling
Men who experience yelling and psychological abuse from their partner or wife can suffer significant adverse effects. For some, embarrassment or inadequacy can be problematic if they identify with traditional masculinity. As a result, men may not seek help for resulting problems with mental health, personal relationships, work functioning, and other areas of their lives.
Why do men stay?
There are many reasons for tolerating yelling and other harmful or abusive behaviour.
Some men stay in relationships with women who yell and psychologically abuse them because they feel they can't do better. They may have low self-esteem or believe the woman is their only chance for a relationship.
Some men also stay because they fear what the woman might do if they leave. Others may stay because they don't know how to break free from the relationship.
Telling a man to 'just leave' is not helpful. Complex psychological factors tend to be involved in abusive relationship behaviour.
How to respond: 5 key strategies
You can address yelling if your wife acknowledges the issue and wants to make changes. Under these conditions, here are five key coping strategies for a wife who yells at you.
Gather Information
First, it's essential to understand why your wife is yelling. Also, consider when she is most likely to yell. Detecting triggers can provide clues about causes.
Finally, listen to each other's point of view. This information can provide valuable clues. Of course, you both need to explore these questions together.
Make An Initial Plan
Agree on a plan for when warning signs arise. An early response maximises the chances of managing yelling behaviour.
This plan should include de-escalation strategies. Use whatever tactic works. For instance, she may opt for a self 'time-out' to calm and re-group. There should be a joint effort to reduce the yelling.
Learn From Incidents
Agree to follow up on 'close calls' and yelling incidents.
Don't get discouraged when the plan doesn't work. These situations are usually good learning opportunities.
What went wrong? How would we do things differently next time? Do we need to modify our plan?
Normalise
Many people will tell you to stay calm. The problem with this advice is that it's not always realistic to keep your cool. In addition, failing to keep calm can lead to excessive self-criticism ("I should not have let the situation get to me").
Instead, have your calming strategies (e.g., diaphragmatic breathing) but normalise any distress. It's never pleasant when someone yells at you, especially a family member or spouse. Feeling distressed, confused, or angry in these circumstances is perfectly normal.
Extra Support
Consider some additional help. Persistent yelling with serious knock-on effects may warrant professional input from a relationship expert or psychology practitioner.
A persistent problem such as this may be due to complex underlying issues that need addressing (a lot of stress, anger issues, communication skills difficulties). This extra support may be required to stop yelling.
Is it normal for my girlfriend to hit me?
Absolutely not. This is never normal or acceptable. Domestic violence can occur for both males and females. Even a 'one-off' is not ok and a potential red flag.
Summary
Yelling and psychological abuse from a partner or wife can negatively affect men, including low self-esteem, depression, and difficulty in personal relationships. Men may stay in abusive relationships for various reasons, including low self-esteem, fear of consequences, or social pressure.
The five strategies above may be helpful when your wife acknowledges the behaviour and wants to change. However, you may need to consider a different approach if she is not on board. There are resources available to help men who are being abused, including support groups and safe housing options.
Further reading
There are many poor-quality books on relationship skills. But, some good stuff is available too. Here are two examples:
Michael Sorensen’s book I Hear You discusses the skill of validation.
Susan Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight focuses on the roles of emotion and attachment in relationships.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with relationship challenges. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Man up psychology & masculinity
Man Up Psychology & What You Can Do Differently
The concept of man-up is a particularly toxic influence on men's psychological well-being. This is not just a suspect romantic comedy starring Simon Pegg and Lake Bell about a blind date and mistaken identity.
A man-up approach to mental adversity encourages the use of ineffective strategies. These approaches can contribute to the development and exacerbation of distress and ill health. This article discusses the man-up mindset and presents an alternative approach called 'flexible masculinity'.
Join TPP+ Today
Premium content to boost your performance, wellbeing and life success.
Get A Grip
Man-up is about ignoring psychological distress in the face of adversity. Distracting or suppressing difficult thoughts and emotions is the core strategy. This approach usually demands a robotic adherence to a traditional Western masculine ideal (sometimes referred to as 'hegemonic' or 'toxic' masculinity).
Western society is increasingly expecting men to drop this approach and become more open, aware and communicative about emotions and psychological health. Despite this, abandoning man-up is a tough ask for men heavily invested in masculinities consistent with this mindset. What's more, people, in general, find it difficult to unlearn well-rehearsed emotional responses.
The Downside
A man-up approach often aims to control or eliminate painful emotions in service of idealised but ultimately mythical masculinities.
Man-up is of limited value because difficult emotions are inevitable, normal, and essential to our functioning and survival. Our brain is hard-wired to generate these emotional 'signals', and we risk missing the critical information they convey when in man-up mode.
What's more, suppressing or avoiding uncomfortable emotions usually has little impact on their intensity. This tactic can also dominate our thinking, impairs memory, and leads to isolation from others (1). No longer are stress, anger, anxiety or low mood shared experiences. Indeed, some theories place emotional avoidance at the heart of serious psychological difficulties (2).
In being unaware of the above points, men may conclude that they have 'failed' to man-up when unable to banish difficult emotions. This perspective creates additional psychological suffering. This approach may also feed a vicious cycle of increasing distress and isolation when men double down on the man-up strategy. The initial 'solution' can actually be part of the problem.
A Different Strategy
An alternative to man-up involves the encouragement of 'flexible' masculinity and coping. Here, we don't expect men to drop their adherence to existing masculine ideals. Instead, we broaden the existing definition of key masculine traits. Research shows that psychological flexibility can positively affect well-being (3) and counter the adverse effects of toxic masculinities (4,5).
There are many examples of successfully utilising flexibility.
In one study of men with depression, some participants viewed seeking help as a manifestation of 'independence' (6).
In another investigation of men diagnosed with prostate cancer, some believed revealing emotions to others was a way to exhibit 'bravery' (7).
Metaphors can facilitate increased flexibility. For example, defining 'strength' as seeking assistance for mental/physical health issues to 'provide' for family members can be framed as putting on your own 'oxygen mask' before helping others.
Men invested in man-up are likely alienated by perceived attempts to change their coping responses. You are asking men to give up strategies they think are critical to societal approval. At the very least, being 'controlled' by others breaks the man-up 'code of practice'. On the other hand, encouraging flexibility can be a gradual way for men to experiment with an expanded worldview.
When we man-up, we cut down our options for coping effectively with psychological distress. Flexible masculinity can help to broaden our coping toolkit by giving 'permission' for alternative responses to occur. This additional freedom makes us better able to adapt to a wide range of challenges.
It's a bit like changing gears when driving. First gear is often suitable, but we'll damage the engine if it's the only gear we ever use. So it's important to shift gears depending on the circumstances and terrain.
Sometimes, it is helpful to distract from emotions (e.g., trying to get through a crisis). However, acknowledging, 'normalising', then responding flexibly to difficult psychological experiences puts us on the path towards more healthy psychological lives.
Five Key Strategies
So in the interests of moving away from man up, how might men respond more flexibly to life's challenges? Here are a few ways to foster this skill:
Normalise difficult emotional experiences. Difficult emotions are not a reflection of your identity as a man. They are simply evidence of your brain performing its normal functions. Imagine a world where you could not experience fear. You'd never make it to your first birthday cake.
Pay attention to these emotions. Emotional acceptance is a helpful strategy for responding to difficult emotions and countering emotional avoidance. Rather than avoiding, denying or downplaying emotional reactions, pay deliberate attention to these emotional states.
Clarify important personal qualities and values. How do you want to live your life, or be remembered after you are gone? Consider how many ways you can exhibit each of these values. If a man values tolerance and patience, a restricted response might involve trying to 'keep your mouth shut' when irritated by a child's repeated mistakes.
Use metaphors to help frame flexibility positively. For example, 'Changing gears to suit the terrain/gradient', 'Expand the toolkit', 'Bring a player with different skills onto the field when the game changes.'
Move in tiny steps. Change your actions in small, gradual ways to reduce the perceived risk of departing from man-up. You might make a change with only one person, or in a specific situation. Experiment with these changes and reflect on the outcome before taking the next steps.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We also have extensive experience working with men. Read more about my work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
1. Gross, J. J. (2002). Emotion regulation: Affective, cognitive, and social consequences. Psychophysiology, 39(3), 281-291.
2. Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change. New York: Guilford.
3. Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865-878.
4. McAtter, G., & Gillanders, D. (2019). Investigating the role of psychological flexibility, masculine self‐esteem and stoicism as predictors of psychological distress and quality of life in men living with prostate cancer. European Journal of Cancer Care, online version ahead of print. doi: 10.1111/ecc.13097
5. Spendelow, J. S., & Joubert, H. E. (2018). Does experiential avoidance mediate the relationship between gender role conflict and psychological distress? American Journal of Men’s Health, 12(4), 688-695.
6. Roy, P., Tremblay, G., & Robertson, S. (2014). Help-seeking among Male Farmers: Connecting Masculinities and Mental Health. Sociologia Ruralis, 54(4), 460-476.
7. Levy, A., & Cartwright, T. (2015). Men’s strategies for preserving emotional well-being in advanced prostate cancer: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. Psychology & Health, 30(10), 1164-1182.
Flexible masculinity & values
There are many masculinities
Recent years has seen much gender role churn and proliferation of masculinities through influential social movements, political upheavals, and instruments of popular culture. Academic research has also acknowledged the challenges and changes to dominant and toxic ‘hegemonic’ masculinities; from societal-level gender role changes in South Africa (1) to examples of boys railing against masculinity conventions (2). Perhaps as a result, there is a popular notion that males are confused about who they’re supposed to be. This uncertainty is reflected in numerous examples in the mainstream media; For instance, Michael Black in The New York Times: “Men feel isolated, confused and conflicted about their natures.” (3)
We have previously talked about the idea of adopting ‘flexible masculinity’ to navigate through the noise and confusion of how blokes are supposed to exist in today’s society. Telling men what and who they should be is likely to cause resistance and alienation. After all, many unhelpful forms of masculinity emphasise strength, control, and even dominance over others. Why would men heavily invested in these scripts run the risk of appearing to surrender meekly to the will of others?
Instead, we advocate starting with men’s existing masculinity ‘template’, then look to expand how these can be defined and expressed in day-to-day life. For instance, ‘strength’ may mean hiding psychological pain from others….not helpful if you want to manage distress effectively. A more useful approach could be achieved by expanding the concept of strength to include the brave acknowledgement of personal difficulties in order to analyse, understand, and select an effective response to mental health difficulties. Psychological flexibility in various forms (e.g., coping flexibility) is linked with improved well-being (4). We argue that flexible masculinity is an essential type of psychological flexibility that can lead to enhanced psychological and behavioural functioning in men. We have seen some evidence of this in some of our recent research (5).
What if you are confused about who and what you should be? Reporting various examples of non-hegemonic masculinities signals the possibility for men to change their masculinity scripts. But this diversity can simultaneously raise the question ‘change to what?’ We can respond to this predicament by considering our values. We mentioned this approach in our recent article on ‘man-up’. We also made suggestions for promoting flexible masculinity in this article, and in another piece on flexibility in the workplace. Here are a few more ideas for men who want to clarify masculinity-related values:
Try an exercise suggested by Sociologist Michael Kimmel: Write down a list of attributes, qualities, etc that you see as constituting a ‘good’ man. Now write down a list of characteristics that you feel describe the traditional concept of a ‘real’ man. Spend some time looking at the two lists. What are your thoughts on any differences/discrepancies between the lists? This exercise can increase flexibility by helping you to take different perspectives on masculinity, and to consider values-based versus societally-influenced masculinity.
List the pros and cons of being a good versus real man. Do the pros outweigh the cons for each of these masculinity ‘models’? If so, why? What does this say about how you currently want to be seen by people around you?
One major part of your identity is your gender identity. How do you want to be remembered as a man when you are gone? What do you want people to say about you? Most importantly, why is it vital for you to be remembered in this way?
A values card-sorting exercise can help identify those values which are most important to you. You can find a freely downloadable set of cards here. You can use these cards to identify values most relevant to a good man (particularly if you are stuck with the first suggestion on this list). Alternatively, you can use these cards to identify the values you want to exhibit more in your life (an expansion on the attribute of ‘control’) or identify the values which, if actioned in daily life, would make the biggest positive difference in the world.
References
1. Walker, L. (2005). Men behaving differently: South African men since 1994. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 7(3), 225-238.
2. Black, M. I. (2018). The boys are not all right. The New York Times, Feb 21, 2018. www.nytimes.com/2018/02/21/opinion/boys-violence-shootings-guns.html
3. Way, N., Cressen, J., Bodian, S., Preston, J., Nelson, J., & Hughes, D. (2014). “It might be nice to be a girl… Then you wouldn’t have to be emotionless”: Boys’ resistance to norms of masculinity during adolescence. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 15(3), 241–252.
4. Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878.
5. Spendelow, J. S., & Joubert, H. E. (2018). Does experiential avoidance mediate the relationship between general role conflict and psychological distress? American Journal of Men’s Health, 12(4), 688-695.
The Five Top Strategies To Cope with a Yelling Husband
My Husband Yells At Me: Read the 5 Best Coping Strategies
Life with your partner is not always smooth sailing, as we all know. A happy life is not a constant.
It can be difficult to cope with a husband that yells. Maybe he's never done it before and you're caught off guard. Maybe it's a pattern of behaviour that you're all too familiar with. Either way, it's essential to know how to deal with the situation to protect yourself.
This article addresses women dealing with a yelling husband. But the information below applies to other relationships for both men and women.
Keep Safe
The most important message is that safety comes before anything else. You must act immediately if you have any concerns for your physical safety. This will usually involve seeking a place where you are physically safe and can access appropriate help.
You should also consider whether yelling is part of a larger problem. This would include mistreatment, emotional abuse, or violence. Constant yelling and screaming, or being verbally abused should raise big red flags.
Is he On-Board?
The next consideration is your husband's approach to this situation. There is a good chance of progress when:
He is aware of his yelling
Acknowledges the need for change
Prepared to discuss the issue calmly.
There is little you can do if he doesn't acknowledge the problem. There is further cause for concern if he doesn't take the time to understand your concerns or even blames you for the behaviour.
Five Strategies
Yelling at your spouse is toxic behaviour that needs attention. The following recommendations are based on the assumption that your husband recognises a problem and wants to make positive changes. Also, he must take full responsibility for his behaviour. As soon as you hear "I wouldn't yell so much if you only....", you are unlikely to make progress.
Gather Information
First, it's essential to understand why your husband is yelling.
Is he generally a calm person who only raises his voice when feeling overwhelmed or frustrated? Is he someone who regularly loses his temper? Also, consider when he is most likely to yell. Detecting triggers can provide clues about causes.
Finally, listen to each other's point of view. This information can provide valuable clues. Of course, you both need to explore these questions together. There's a problem if you're doing all the work. Good communication skills come in handy here.
Make An Initial Plan
Agree on a plan for when warning signs arise. An early response maximises the chances of managing yelling behaviour.
This plan should include de-escalation strategies. Use whatever tactic works. For instance, he may opt for a self 'time-out' to calm and re-group. It is not your sole responsibility trying to stop your husband from yelling.
Learn From Incidents
Agree to follow up on 'close calls' and yelling incidents.
Don't get discouraged when the plan doesn't work. These situations are usually good learning opportunities.
What went wrong? How would we do things differently next time? Do we need to modify our plan?
Normalise
Many people will tell you to stay calm. The problem with this advice is that it's not always realistic to keep your cool. In addition, failing to keep calm can lead to excessive self-criticism ("I should not have let the situation get to me").
Instead, have your calming strategies (e.g., diaphragmatic breathing) but normalise any distress. It's never a nice situation when someone yells at you. Especially a family member or husband. It's perfectly normal to feel distressed in these circumstances.
Extra Support
Consider some additional help. Persistent yelling with serious knock-on effects may warrant professional input.
A persistent problem such as this may be due to complex underlying issues that need addressing (a lot of stress, anger issues, communication skills difficulties). This extra support may be required to stop yelling.
Summary
Dealing with a yelling husband is never easy. But, there are things you can do to diffuse the situation and understand the causes.
Your husband needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and genuinely want to make progress. The chances of a positive outcome are limited without these critical ingredients. Try the above strategies if you're in a safe environment and you're sure you're both committed to change.
Further reading:
Sue Johnson’s relationship advice book based on ‘attachment theory’.
Gottman and Sliver provide seven strategies for relationship success in this popular book.
Again, remember to call emergency services in your local area immediately if you have any concerns for your safety or that of another person.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with relationship difficulties. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Manage An Existential Crisis Successfully
The 5 Things You Can Do To Cope With An Existential Crisis
Many people go through life without ever experiencing an existential crisis. But for some, this type of crisis is a very real and daunting challenge. So, what is an existential crisis? And how can you cope with it if you find yourself in the throes of one?
Defining the Crisis
An existential crisis involves fundamentally questioning oneself and/or life itself. A major life event can trigger this type of crisis. Situations such as the death of a loved one, a divorce, or losing one's job can cause a major shake-up of your life and the core beliefs you held before the triggering event.
Mundane challenges can also be triggers, such as the realisation that you're not living the life you want or that your current circumstances are not what you hoped for.
Whatever the cause, the sense that one is living a meaningless life can lead to existential dread or existential anxiety that must be dealt with.
This process can be associated with other difficulties such as negative emotions, anxiety, stress and depression. A mental health professional is required in this situation. People can have suicidal thoughts in extreme cases. This would be cause for immediate help-seeking from your local emergency services.
What Can I Do?
No matter its cause, an existential crisis can be a tough challenge. But, if you find yourself in the midst of one, there are some things you can do to ease your discomfort.
First and foremost, it's important to remember that you are not alone. Many people experience existential crises at some point in their lives.
Secondly, find someone you trust to talk to about your feelings. Having someone to bounce ideas off of can be beneficial. Reflecting on the experience can have a positive impact and help clarify your purpose in life. Other strategies, such as a gratitude journal, can help promote a balanced focus on your circumstances.
Stay focused on the present moment as much as possible and resist the temptation to dwell on what may or may not happen in the future. Remember that you can only control how you respond to the hand you're dealt.
Don't rush the process. A fundamental shake-up requires much processing time. You can find a way forward and obtain clarity. But, this process will probably take more time than you predict.
Lastly, don't be afraid to seek professional help if you need it. A therapist can provide invaluable support and guidance as you work through your existential crisis and make the changes needed to create a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling.
Summary
An existential crisis can be a frightening and overwhelming experience. But, you can use this experience as a positive turning point in your life.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with big issues such as an existential crisis. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
How to tackle worry that's out of control
Tame the Worry Monster: How to Treat Worry and Anxiety
Do you worry about things that might happen, even though you know they probably won't? Or are you always on edge, feeling the need to prepare for the worst? Is it hard to get concerns off your mind?
If so, you may be suffering from chronic or generalised worry. The good news is you can learn to eat worries and anxiety, improving your quality of life.
What Causes Worry and Anxiety?
Worry and anxiety are normal human emotions. We all feel them from time to time in response to certain events or situations. However, when these emotions become excessive, intrusive, and difficult to control, they are a real problem.
There is no single cause of chronic worry. Instead, it is usually the result of physical, psychological, and social factors. For example, someone may be more likely to develop an anxiety disorder if they have experienced stressful life events, are single, have a family history of mental illness, and have limited economic resources (1).
Treatment for Worry and Anxiety
Fortunately, effective treatments are available for chronic worry and generalised anxiety disorder. The first step is to see a mental health professional for an evaluation. They can rule out other potential causes of your symptoms and make a diagnosis. This person can also check for other problems, such as low mood. An intervention place can then be developed once you have been assessed.
Forget using a soft toy, cuddly monster, or imaginary worry eaters. There are effective, proven ways to tackle worry.
The most common psychological treatment for anxiety disorders is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT is a form of talk therapy. It helps people change anxiety-causing thought patterns and behaviours. CBT typically involves weekly sessions with a therapist for around 8-12 appointments. However, session frequency and number vary between people. Client and practitioner tend to meet less often as progress is made.
In addition to CBT, your treatment plan might include medication. Several different types of medication can be effective in treating anxiety disorders. Your mental health professional will work with you to find the right medication for your specific needs.
Summary
You are not alone if you struggle with chronic worry. Millions of people suffer from these conditions. However, you can learn management strategies and improve your quality of life with proper treatment. Don't hesitate to seek help if you're overwhelmed by worry or anxiety.
Further reading:
How to recognise and treat social anxiety
Information about panic attacks
Understand anxiety during bereavement
How to help someone with anxiety
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer anxiety and various other issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Moreno-Peral, P., Conejo-Cerón, S., Motrico, E., Rodríguez-Morejón, A., Fernández, A., García-Campayo, J., Roca, M., Serrano-Blanco, A., Rubio-Valera, M., & Bellón, J. Á. (2014). Risk factors for the onset of panic and generalised anxiety disorders in the general adult population: a systematic review of cohort studies. Journal of affective disorders, 168, 337–348. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2014.06.021
Don't use an anger test: Read these 5 key signs instead
Are you an angry person? Here's how to tell
Anger is a normal emotion. It's how we react to and express our frustration, hurt, annoyance, fear, or other strong emotions. But anger can lead to far-reaching problems when it gets out of control or becomes destructive.
Do you suspect an anger problem but are not sure about its severity? Then, check out the five signs below to see if they apply to you.
Anger test
Short tests or quizzes are a tempting way to determine whether you've got an anger issue. But, there are several problems with this method.
Many of these tests lack credibility and are not backed by solid science. Questionnaires do not consider individual circumstances and explanations for your anger. This method also fails to help you understand underlying causes.
Some credible tests exist (e.g., Novaco Anger Scale, Multidimensional Anger Inventory). But they should always be used with a qualified professional. A skilled practitioner can use results as part of a complete assessment of your anger levels.
What are the warning signs of an anger problem?
You don't actually need to complete an anger test. There are many signs of problematic anger. Knowing the key signs is enough to assess whether you need extra help. It’s important to know these indicators because many people suffer from excessive anger (1).
Here are the most important indicators:
Anger dominates your world. This emotion is a problem when it occurs frequently, at high intensity, and drowns out other emotions and behaviours.
The amount of anger you experiences causes distress to yourself and/or others. For instance, your anger feels excessive and illogical, or you steam over minor issues for days.
Anger is messing up your life in important areas, particularly relationships (but also work, health, etc).
You have tried to deal with anger on your own without success.
You have been asked to seek help for your anger.
The consequences of uncontrolled anger
There are many good reasons to reduce anger. There are well-known physical effects, including increased risk for heart disease and diabetes (2). Anger can worsen existing conditions (e.g., chronic pain; 3) and is associated with several psychological disorders (4). Furthermore, people with excessive anger have poorer relationships (5). Reducing anger provides an opportunity to strengthen bonds with friends and family.
Treatment for excessive anger
We have effective treatments available for excessive anger. One of the most commonly used psychological treatments is Cognitive-Behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT helps people to identify and change negative thinking patterns and behaviours contributing to anger.
Recent years have seen mindfulness and related skills in anger management. These skills are sometimes packaged in the broader treatment called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT).
Learn more about anger treatment in this article.
Summary
It is possible to get your anger under control. With help, you can learn to manage your anger healthily. It may be time to seek help for your anger problem if you identify with any of the above signs. Reach out to a professional who can help you get to the root of the issue and develop positive strategies.
We are performance & wellbeing specialists with extensive experience helping people conquer anger and a range of other issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Adler, A.B., LeardMann, C.A., Roenfeldt, K.A. et al. Magnitude of problematic anger and its predictors in the Millennium Cohort. BMC Public Health 20, 1168 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-020-09206-2
(2) Staicu, M., & Cuţov, M. (2010). Anger and health risk behaviors. Journal of Medicine and Life, 3(4), 372-375. https://doi.org/https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3019061/
(3) Adachi, T., Yamada, K., Fujino, H., Enomoto, K. & Shibata, M. (2022). Associations between anger and chronic primary pain: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Scandinavian Journal of Pain, 22(1), 1-13. https://doi.org/10.1515/sjpain-2021-0154
(4) Okuda, M., Picazo, J., Olfson, M., Hasin, D. S., Liu, M., Bernardi, S., & Blanco, C. (2015). Prevalence and Correlates of Anger in the Community: Results from a National Survey. CNS spectrums, 20(2), 130. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1092852914000182
(5) Liu, J., Lemay, E. P., & Neal, A. M. (2018). Mutual cyclical anger in romantic relationships: Moderation by agreeableness and commitment. Journal of Research in Personality, 77, 1-10. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2018.09.002
Five Strategies To Get A Girlfriend
The Top 5 Things You Need to Do to Get a Girlfriend
Many guys are looking for a girlfriend but don't know where to start. If you're one of those guys, don't worry - We've got you covered.
Here are the top five things you must do to want a girlfriend.
1. Make sure you're ready for a relationship.
This may seem like an obvious one, but it's worth mentioning.
Many guys think they want a girlfriend when they are really attracted to the idea of having a girlfriend. Before you start actively looking for a relationship, ensure you're ready for one. Ask yourself whether you will make the necessary compromises and sacrifices to be in a committed relationship. If the answer is no, you're better off waiting until you are ready.
Best not to force the process of finding a girlfriend until ready.
Join TPP+ Today
Premium content to boost your performance, wellbeing and life success.
2. Get out there and meet people.
If you are ready to find love, you must spend time on this goal. One of the biggest mistakes guys make is waiting for someone to come to them. But to find someone special, you must get out and meet new people.
Join a club or take up a new hobby - anything that will help you meet new people who share your interests. Alternatively, put yourself in public spaces (e.g., coffee shop) where there is potential to strike up a conversation (in a non-creepy way).
Initially, it may be best to focus on meeting anyone new, not specifically a partner. This can take some pressure off your quest to meet women. A sole focus on how to attract women can lead to uncomfortable behaviours and undue pressure on yourself.
Here are some additional tips on meeting people.
3. Brush up communication and social skills
The fundamentals of good communication are not rocket science.
Positive body language (e.g., open stance, eye contact), showing interest, asking questions, and active listening. These are all part of the success skillset. Making someone feel important and comfortable (e.g., not initiating physical contact inappropriately) is vital when searching for a partner.
Over-stepping the mark is out of order but may also get you friend zoned very quickly.
4. Seek additional support
Relationships are tricky. Social skills don't come easily to some (e.g., starting a conversation) and social anxiety is very common. Some people really benefit from working with a relationship or dating coach. Talking to girls (or people in general) does not come easily for many guys. So, extra support can be a great strategy.
Many psychological issues (e.g., low self esteem) can get in the way of meeting a potential girlfriend. A skilled professional can help you uncover and deal with these problems.
Alternatively, asking reliable friends and family for feedback on how you come across can help identify areas for development.
Here’s a helpful book on social skills development by Daniel Wendler.
5. Be yourself
This last piece of advice may be the most important one of all. It's tempting to put on a false persona to impress others. But ultimately, being genuine and authentic will always be more successful in the long run. Most people can detect fakes (inauthenticity), and your true self will eventually have to be revealed.
In reality, being yourself is very hard to achieve. There’s lots of social pressure to be certain things. Feeling more comfortable with who you are (at any point in time) is a gradual process.
Summary
So there you have it - the three things you must do to get a girlfriend. Just remember: take your time, get out there and meet new people, and most importantly, be yourself! With these tips in mind, you can succeed in your quest for love.
Further reading:
Questions to ask your girlfriend
How to talk to anyone
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with relationship challenges. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Making a self referral for psychological issues
Self Referral for Mental Health Issues
Self-referral means referring yourself for help with a mental health problem without first speaking to a GP (family doctor) or another professional.
There are many reasons why someone might self-refer. For example, a person may feel that their GP is not the best individual to consult, or they prefer to speak to a mental health specialist.
Whatever the reason, self-referral can be an important first step in getting the help and support you need for your mental health.
The benefits of self-referral
Self-referral is an appropriate option for some people. Some benefits include:
Allows access to specialist services without having to go through your GP
Can access help quickly
You have more choice about who you work with
Self-referral often means self-payment, so affordability is usually an important consideration.
How to self-refer
The first step is to find a few practitioners or mental health services. Many people now search online to identify a potential source of help.
Once you have decided to self-refer, the next step is to choose the right service for you. Many types of mental health services are available, so it is vital to research what will best suit your needs.
Once you have short-listed a few options, setting up a meet and greet call is a good idea. This allows you to ask some questions before making a final selection.
Finding a therapist you feel comfortable with is essential if you are self-referring to counselling or therapy. This means finding someone you can trust with the right qualifications and experience. It is also a good idea to check that the therapist is registered with a professional body, such as the Health and Care Professions Council (HCPC).
How to prepare
Preparing for self-referral is important to ensure you get the most out of the process. Important actions include:
Make a list of any questions that you want to ask.
Do some research on what to expect in sessions.
Think about what you want to achieve from sessions so you can discuss goals with the practitioner.
When self-referral is not the best option
In some situations, self-referral might not be the best option for a mental health issue.
For example, if you are in crisis or feeling suicidal, it is crucial to seek help from a professional immediately. In these cases, self-referral might not be the best option as you might need more urgent help than what is available through self-referral services.
Additionally, if you have a complex mental health problem, self-referral might not be suitable as you might need professional guidance to find the best referral pathway (and service) for your needs.
Summary
Self-referral can be an effective way of getting help for a mental health problem. It allows you to access specialist services without going through your GP, saving time and energy. Additionally, it means that you can choose the service you feel most comfortable with and feel will be best able to help you.
However, it is essential to prepare for self-referral to get the most out of the process. Additionally, self-referral might not be the best option in some situations.
If you are unsure whether self-referral is right for you, it is always a good idea to speak to a professional for advice.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Catastrophising
What is Catastrophising and How Can I Reduce It?
Do you find yourself always expecting the worst? Do you ruminate on what could go wrong in any given situation? If so, you may be prone to catastrophising. This is a common problem that people struggle with every day.
If you're struggling with this issue, there are things you can do to break the cycle.
Catastrophically Speaking
Catastrophising is a cognitive distortion when we assume the worst possible outcome will occur. This thinking pattern can be hard to stop, even for irrational thoughts.
For example, if you feel anxious about a job interview, you may tell yourself that you will screw up the interview and will not get the job.
A less catastrophic prediction might be that you will feel uncomfortable but will hopefully perform good enough to get the role.
Why Do I Always Think The Worst?
There are many reasons why people catastrophise. A couple of explanations are:
Experiencing adverse events in the past (e.g., a traumatic event) can lead to increased worry that history will repeat itself.
People who have low self-confidence may expect poor performance in work and life.
Ongoing health (e.g., chronic pain) or a mental health condition (e.g., anxiety disorder) can fuel worst-case scenario thinking.
Some people assume they can prevent or manage disasters by spotting trouble before it occurs.
Catastrophising can occur for other reasons, so it is essential to talk to a qualified professional when struggling to understand the purpose of this thinking error.
How To Stop Catastrophising
Fortunately, there are ways to reduce catastrophising. Here are a few suggestions.
Challenge your negative thoughts
Look for evidence to support your catastrophising. For example, if you tell yourself that you will fail the interview, ask yourself why you think this is true. What evidence do you have to support this belief? You can consider a more accurate prediction if catastrophising is based on a lack of evidence.
Evaluating and modifying thoughts is a key strategy in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT).
Evaluate the situation
Check the facts of the situation. Are you really in danger? Is the outcome as dire as you think it is? More often than not, the answer is no.
Prepare
Another way to reduce catastrophising is to prepare for the event or situation you are anxious about. For example, if you are anxious about a job interview, you can practice answering common interview questions. This will help boost your confidence and make you feel more prepared for the actual interview.
Put things in perspective
It can be helpful to remind yourself that even if the situation does turn out badly, it's not the end of the world. There are always ways to cope and rebound from setbacks. Also think about problem-solving: What could I do if the worst really did happen?
Think about function
Consider the function (purpose) of catastrophising. Then consider whether catastrophising is the best way to achieve the desired outcome. For example, Catastrophising might be used to predict and manage a negative outcome. Ask yourself if there is a better strategy without the stress and anxiety associated with catastrophising.
Summary
Catastrophising is a common cognitive distortion that can lead to anxiety and depression. However, there are things that you can do to reduce catastrophising. Try the above strategies and seek some additional help if you don't achieve your desired level of progress.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help you reduce catastrophising. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Understanding and Taming a Disorganised Attachment Style
Dealing With A Disorganised Attachment Style
Disorganised or fearful avoidant attachment is one of several relationship patterns that form in early childhood. A disorganised style often occurs when a carer is unavailable, intrusive or frightening. These behaviours produce an unpredictable or unsafe caregiving experience. We can understand adult attachment and people's relationship problems by learning about disorganised attachment.
If you suspect a disorganised attachment style, there are strategies for a more healthy relationship with important people in your life.
What Is Attachment?
Before we delve into disorganised attachment, it's essential to understand what attachment is.
Attachment theory is a psychological explanation of the emotions and behaviours that occur in relationships between humans. It focuses on why and how people form close relationships with others in order to be connected and feel safe.
Attachment style begins to form in infancy and develops as the child ages. A secure attachment bond is essential for a child's social, emotional and cognitive development.
There are four main attachment patterns. Each type of attachment manifests differently in terms of how a child behaves towards their carer. These behaviours evolve as people become adults. However, the core attachment style remains and plays a crucial role in our relationships.
A secure attachment style tends to evolve from caring, attentive, and responsive parenting. Insecure attachment styles (avoidant attachment style, anxious attachment style) tend to arise from aversive childhood experiences. These include neglect (e.g., abandonment and rejection), unpredictability, and abuse (e.g., sexual abuse).
What Is Disorganised Attachment?
Disorganised attachment is a pattern of attachment that can form in early childhood under specific circumstances. These circumstances typically involve a carer who is unavailable, intrusive or frightening. People with disorganised attachment often have difficulty regulating their emotions (e.g., being overreactive) and may act out in aggressive or withdrawn ways. They may also struggle to form trusting relationships with others later in life.
It's thought that disorganised attachment develops due to inconsistent or unsafe caregiving experiences. These experiences may cause the child to feel anxious or afraid. These states can lead to feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope. This can lead to them behaving erratically or inconsistently around their carer.
As an adult, disorganised attachment pushes us toward an inconsistent approach to relationships. Connection and close relationships are wanted even though there is a fear of intimacy.
What Are the Signs of Disorganised Attachment?
Several signs may indicate disorganised attachment. These include:
• Having difficulty regulating emotions; feeling overwhelmed or easily frightened
• Acting aggressively or withdrawn around caregivers
• Struggling to trust others or form close relationships
• Experiencing anxiety or depression
• Engaging in self-destructive behaviours such as self-harm or substance abuse
• Having flashbacks or nightmares about early childhood experiences
• Feeling disconnected from others or feeling like no one understands you
What Can I Do?
Self Help
Taming a disorganised attachment style takes a lot of work over a long period of time. However, lots of strategies are available. I often recommend the following tools to my clients:
Know your triggers for strong, difficult emotions. Read this article on ‘Difficult Inner States’
Self-regulation strategies
Identify and respond to problematic thinking patterns
Use core values to provide a blueprint for how you will try to behave in important relationships
Professional Help
If you're struggling with disorganised attachment, seek therapy from a qualified mental health professional. Attachment-based therapies can help you understand your early experiences and their influence on your current relationships. These therapies can also teach you how to form healthier attachments with others.
Summary and Next Steps
Disorganised attachment is a pattern that can form in early childhood due to inconsistent or unsafe caregiving experiences. If you think you might have disorganised attachment, there are things you can do about it. Talking to a therapist can be an effective way to explore your attachment style and relationship behaviours. With the right support, you can learn to form healthy, supportive relationships with others.
Further reading:
For a more in-depth discussion, Thais Gibson has written this useful book on attachment.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with attachment and relationship challenges. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
Why You Should Change Your Avoidant Attachment Style
Tackling The Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
If you're struggling in your romantic relationships, it may be due to your avoidant attachment style. People with this attachment framework tend to be uncomfortable in close relationships and find it difficult to trust or be emotionally open with others.
However, there are things you can do to change your attachment style. Psychological therapy can help you understand and work through your attachment issues to have a healthy relationship with your partner, friends and family.
If you care about emotional connection, you need to know about attachment.
In this article:
Join TPP+ Today
Premium content to boost your performance, wellbeing and life success.
What is Attachment?
Attachment theory is a psychological explanation of the emotions and behaviours that occur in relationships between humans. It focuses on why and how people form close relationships with others in order to be connected and feel safe.
The key features of attachment theory are:
Attachment figures provide safety and security for children
Children seek proximity to their attachment figure when feeling threatened or anxious
Attachment figures serve as a secure base for their children, from which the children can explore the world
Attachment relationships are reciprocal, meaning that both the child and the attachment figure influence each other.
Attachment styles are formed in early childhood and tend to be stable across the lifespan. Attachment is associated with various aspects of psychological functioning from mental health to behaviour at work (1,2).
We are born with a behavioural attachment system (ABS). This system consists of behaviours designed to seek support/safety from others when feeling threatened (3). For instance, infants will usually cry out for a parent when scared. Over time, we develop attachment styles based on how people respond to our ABS.
We have learned much about how the ABS operates in adult attachment.
What is Avoidant Attachment Style?
We are likely to develop a secure attachment style if parents are responsive and comforting to our ABS.
However, problematic styles can also emerge. One attachment pattern is 'avoidant' (also known as 'dismissive'). This form of attachment is known as one of the 'insecure' attachment styles. It is characterised by feelings of discomfort or anxiety about close relationships.
People with an avoidant attachment template tend to be less trusting and emotionally open than those with more secure attachments. They may also have difficulty expressing their needs and emotions. These people may also distance themselves from others when they feel threatened or overwhelmed.
Some key features and signs of an avoidant attachment style include:
Avoiding or downplaying the importance of close relationships
Viewing intimacy as a source of potential pain or discomfort
Being emotionally distant or withdrawn in close relationships
Focusing more on self-reliance and independence than on dependence on others
Having difficulty trusting and being open with others
Putting up barriers to prevent getting too close to others
What Causes Avoidant Attachment?
There is no one cause of an avoidant attachment style.
However, it may be influenced by difficult early experiences such as emotionally and/or physically unavailable caregivers (usually parents) or a lack of response to emotional needs.
Avoidant attachment can also result from observing dysfunctional relationships and learning that displays of emotions are met with criticism or rejection. In some cases, people with this attachment style may have had their trust betrayed or experienced other significant hurts in a close relationship. As a result, they learn to protect themselves by emotionally keeping their distance from others.
While attachment style is relatively stable, it can change through adulthood. Avoidant attachment may be modified through major life events such as trauma or other challenging life events.
Consequences of Avoidant Attachment
People with an avoidant attachment style may find it challenging to form close, intimate relationships. Their desire for independence and lack of trust in others can make it hard for them to let anyone get too close. This strategy can lead to social isolation and loneliness.
Additionally, people with avoidant attachment may also experience higher levels of anxiety and depression (4). These individuals may have difficulty regulating their emotions and constantly feel on edge.
Without close relationships to provide support, people with an avoidant attachment style may have a more difficult time coping with life's challenges.
People with an avoidant attachment style use various strategies to 'deactivate' their ABS. These behaviours range from pulling away from a relationship that's going well to focusing on minor imperfections in a partner.
What Can I Do?
If you have an avoidant attachment style, there are things you can do to change it.
Self Help
One useful strategy is to become aware of your deactivating strategies. Recognising these behaviours is the first step in stopping or modifying them. This change will allow you to experience and tolerate closeness for longer periods (with the help of additional strategies).
Another strategy involves taking opportunities to provide mutual support. This tactic can help reduce the amount of time spent being 'independent' from another person.
Finally, you can challenge the notion that 'the one' or a perfect partner is out there waiting for you. This idea is a complete myth. Learning to see the positives in a partner and discovering ways to manage imperfections is a win-win for both people.
Professional Help
Some people with avoidant attachment styles benefit from professional help to understand why they struggle to form relationships and repeat unhelpful patterns. Talking therapies can help you to see your patterns of avoidance in relationships and work through the emotions that may be driving these patterns.
You can learn how to form healthier, more secure attachments with others and how to share more of yourself in relationships.
Summary & Next Steps
Attachment styles can be problematic when over-relying on avoidant strategies. Therefore, identifying your attachment style is a helpful way to start understanding your relationship behaviour.
While there are strategies you can try to challenge unhelpful attachment tendencies, many people need to seek some professional support to make long-term and meaningful progress.
Don't hesitate to get in touch and discuss help with your relationship and attachment concerns.
Further reading:
Levine and Heller have written this helpful book on attachment and romantic relationships.
Here’s a workbook by Annie Chen with activities to explore attachment and relationships with others.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with relationship and attachment challenges. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Pearse, E., Bucci, S., Raphael, J., & Berry, K. (2020). The relationship between attachment and functioning for people with serious mental illness: a systematic review. Nordic journal of psychiatry, 74(8), 545–557. https://doi.org/10.1080/08039488.2020.1767687
(2) Yip, J, Ehrhardt, K, Black, H, Walker, DO. Attachment theory at work: A review and directions for future research. J Organ Behav. 2018; 39: 185– 198. https://doi.org/10.1002/job.2204
(3) https://www.guilford.com/excerpts/mikulincer2_old.pdf?t
(4) Jinyao, Y., Xiongzhao, Z., Auerbach, R.P., Gardiner, C.K., Lin, C., Yuping, W. and Shuqiao, Y. (2012), Insecure attachment as a predictor of depressive and anxious symptomology. Depress Anxiety, 29: 789-796. https://doi.org/10.1002/da.21953
Anxious Attachment
Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment: Here's what to do
Anxious or preoccupied attachment is one of the four attachment styles. These relationship 'templates' guide our thinking, emotions, and action in relationships. This topic has generated huge interest since the 1930s, with psychological studies numbering in the thousands.
What is anxious attachment, and what does it mean for you? This article provides a brief explanation of this phenomenon and what you can do about it.
Join TPP+ Today
Premium content to boost your performance, wellbeing and life success.
The Fundamentals of Attachment
Attachment theory essentially states that we are born preloaded with relationship software. This programming drives us to seek physical closeness to parents or caregivers when needed.
How carers react to babies seeking them out has a huge influence on how children go on to think about other people. Caring and responsible parents will encourage a view of people as (generally) dependable, reliable and safe.
Attachment theory dates back to the 1940s when John Bowlby first began to study the bond between mothers and their children. He found that children with secure attachment to their mother were most likely to thrive emotionally and socially.
You can’t understate just how influential attachment theory has been across many fields of study. Attachment style has been linked with many areas. Outcomes studied range from mental health functioning to our behaviour in relationships and at work (1).
Anxious Attachment
Major adversity in infancy and childhood messes up the process of healthy attachment development. For example, neglect, abuse, or an absent parent can influence the development of attachment behaviours that may become problematic. These and other disturbing childhood experiences heavily influence attachment patterns.
Researchers have identified four different attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant (or dismissive avoidant attachment style), and disorganised (or fearful avoidant attachment). Each attachment style is associated with a different set of behaviours and feelings. Anxious and avoidant are known as the two primary insecure attachment styles.
One attachment pattern is referred to as anxious or preoccupied. This attachment category is problematic when over-used or rigidly applied to relationships.
The anxious attachment style is marked by feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection and/or abandonment. People with an anxious attachment style often worry about their partner’s love for them. These fears extend to whether or not the relationship will last. They may also be very dependent on their partner or have difficulty trusting the relationship.
Features of Anxious Attachment
People with an anxious attachment style are often seen as ‘clingy’ to their romantic partners. An anxiously attached person will often need a lot of reassurance from their partner. They may also be insecure and jealous, and constantly have a fear of abandonment. Signs that someone may have an anxious attachment style include:
Being a people pleaser or frequently putting the needs of others first
Feeling insecure and unworthy
Constantly needing attention
Feeling trapped or suffocated in the relationship
Being jealous or possessive
Idealising partner
Pick fights, threaten to leave, and other provoking behaviours to get the other person’s attention
Having low self-esteem
In reality, people are unique. Anxious attachment looks different from person to person, but the above signs are common indicators. The above features may occur with other psychological issues (e.g., anxiety disorders). So it is important to avoid leaping to conclusions before talking with a qualified professional.
How to Fix Anxious Attachment Style
People with an anxious attachment style can struggle to cope with their fears and insecurities on their own. They may benefit from seeking professional help to address these issues. Attachment styles can be modified positively over time, but this change takes effort over a long period (2).
Here are some strategies to start you on the path towards a more healthy relationship and secure attachment style:
You must be prepared to take some risks. This means being more open with your partner about your fears and insecurities. Keeping these concerns to yourself is adding fuel to a fire. Remaining in your own head leads to intensified cognitive distortions (thinking errors).
Challenge assumptions and predictions around rejection and embarrassment. Several CBT techniques can be useful in this area.
‘Activating strategies’ are unhealthy behaviours intended to get your partner’s attention when feeling anxious about the relationship. Examples include starting a fight or ignoring a voicemail. Keep a diary documenting your activating strategies, then look to replace them with healthy alternatives. For example, having a weekly feedback session to discuss what each other is finding positive and challenging in the relationship.
Put yourself first more often. Start with ‘small’ gestures (e.g., choosing a restaurant that you want to visit) because this increases the chances of following through. You can take on increasingly challenging tasks as your anxiety reduces Your anxious brain will predict disaster (e.g., anger from another person) so make a note of what actually happens.
Make sure that you have your own independent friendships and activities outside of the relationship. This will help you feel more secure in the relationship and less dependent on your partner.
Further Reading:
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with anxious attachment and relationship challenges. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Farahmand, Elaheh and Md Nor, Mariani and Ghanbari Baghestan, Abbas and Ale Ebrahim, Nader and Ale Ebrahim, Nader and Matinnia, Nasrin, Five Decades of Scientific Development on 'Attachment Theory': Trends and Future Landscape (September 14, 2018). Pertanika Journal of Social Sciences & Humanities, 26(3), 1-16, 2018, Available at SSRN: https://ssrn.com/abstract=3266012
(2) Hudson, N. W., Chopik, W. J., & Briley, D. A. (2020). Volitional Change in Adult Attachment: Can People Who Want to Become Less Anxious and Avoidant Move Closer towards Realizing those Goals? European Journal of Personality, 34(1), 93–114. https://doi.org/10.1002/per.2226
Psychological Trauma
Psychological Trauma: More Than Just ‘Emotional Damage’
Unfortunately, the world is a place where bad things do happen. Many of us are subject to terrible events ranging from vehicle crashes and sexual assault to war and natural disasters. Psychological trauma is the emotional response to these events.
Some people experience psychological trauma after experiencing distressing events. In severe, cases, this response can become a condition called post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.
In this article:
Traumatised
Psychological trauma is the body’s reaction to deeply distressing or disturbing events.
These situations tend to have a huge influence on a person’s life. Fundamental changes can result, ranging from one’s worldview to daily routine.
Trauma can occur in response to a single event, or it can be the result of exposure to multiple events. Psychological trauma is often associated with physical injury, but it can also occur without any physical harm.
Trauma exposure is actually quite common. At least 50% of people experience at least one traumatic event (1).
Trauma Synonym
Words that describe aspects of psychological trauma include:
Disturbing
Overwhelming
Alarming
Shocking
Excruciating
The Signs And Symptoms
The symptoms of psychological trauma vary from person to person, ranging from mild to severe. Some common symptoms include:
Shock, denial, or disbelief
Anger, irritability, mood swings
Guilt, shame, self-blame
Feeling sad or hopeless
Confusion, difficulty concentrating
Anxiousness, worry, restlessness
Flashbacks or nightmares
Insomnia or sleep problems
Edginess and agitation
Muscle tension or aches and pains
Startle reactions
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, you must seek help. Psychological trauma can have a lasting impact on your mental and physical health, but there are treatments available that can help you recover.
PTSD
Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that represents a specific set of symptoms and effects following a traumatic event. This diagnosable condition requires expert, professional treatment.
A widely-accepted theory of PTSD is that traumatic events result in a sense of ongoing danger. This state leaves a person anxious and hyper-alert to potential threats (2).
The symptoms of PTSD can be divided into four main categories:
Re-experiencing the event: This can include intrusive thoughts or images, flashbacks, and nightmares.
Avoidance: This can involve avoiding people, places, or things that serve as reminders of the event.
Negative changes in mood and thinking: This can entail feeling hopelessness, feeling detached from others, and having negative outlooks on life in general.
Changes in physical and emotional reactions: This can encompass being easily startled, feeling tense or on edge, and experiencing problems with sleep.
If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, it is important to seek professional help.
PTSD is a relatively common condition. Women (9.7%) are more likely to experience PTSD in their lifetime than men (3.6%) (3).
Why are some people more susceptible than others to PTSD?
There is no single answer to this question. Both biological and psychological factors are thought to contribute to PTSD. Risk factors range from gender (female) early life adversity, and other mental illnesses to low social support and educational attainment (4).
What are the treatments for psychological trauma and PTSD?
The most effective treatment for psychological trauma and PTSD is psychotherapy.
Psychotherapy is a type of therapy that involves talking with a mental health professional about your experiences and symptoms. There are different types of psychotherapy available. However, the aims are often to help you understand your condition and provide you with tools to manage your symptoms.
There are several different types of psychological treatments for PTSD. The most effective approaches are EMDR and Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) (5).
What are examples of PTSD lyrics?
PTSD can be a difficult thing to put into words, but some artists have been able to capture the experience in their music. Here are some examples of PTSD lyrics:
- "I'm not the same, I'm damaged" (Demi Lovato, "Warrior")
- "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" (Kelly Clarkson, "Stronger")
- "You can't run from yourself" (Macklemore, "Shadow")
- "I'm trying to find my way back home" (Dua Lipa, "Home")
These lyrics show that despite the challenges of living with PTSD, it is possible to find hope and strength.
Summary
Many people experience traumatic events at some point, but some people develop serious distress. Psychological trauma and PTSD are serious psychological conditions that require expert treatment from experienced practitioners. Thankfully, effective treatments are available. You should seek professional support if experiencing any of the symptoms outlined above.
Further reading:
Bessel van der Kolk’s book ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ is a helpful and well-known book on psychological trauma.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with psychological trauma. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (US). Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services. Rockville (MD): Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US); 2014. (Treatment Improvement Protocol (TIP) Series, No. 57.) Section 1, A Review of the Literature.
(2) Ehlers, A., & Clark, D. M. (2000). A cognitive model of posttraumatic stress disorder. Behaviour research and therapy, 38(4), 319–345. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0005-7967(99)00123-0
(3) Kessler, R.C., Chiu, W.T., Demler, O., Merikangas, K.R., & Walters, E.E. (2005). Prevalence, severity, and comorbidity of 12-month DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry, 62(6): 617-627.
(4) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559129/
(5) Mendes, D. D., Mello, M. F., Ventura, P., Passarela, C., & Mari, J. (2008). A systematic review on the effectiveness of cognitive behavioral therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder. International journal of psychiatry in medicine, 38(3), 241–259. https://doi.org/10.2190/PM.38.3.b
The Golden Child Syndrome: What It Means For You
Exploring The Golden Child Syndrome
We all want to be accepted and loved. We also want to make our parents proud. But, often, this feeling becomes more of a burden than a positive force.
Unhealthy parenting styles can lead to numerous negative effects in childhood and in your adult personal and professional life. One parenting pattern often discussed is the ‘golden child syndrome’. These children can do no wrong in their parent’s eyes but must perform perfectly in every sphere.
Join TPP+ Today
Premium content to boost your performance, wellbeing and life success.
Golden Child Meaning
The golden child syndrome is not an official medical or mental health diagnosis. Furthermore, there is little high-quality research on this specific topic.
However, the idea of unhealthy parenting styles does tap into various domains ranging from child development to anxious and avoidant attachment and learning theory. For years, researchers have been interested in parenting styles and parent-child relationship development.
The basic idea behind this work is that parenting practices and styles affect child outcomes ranging from psychological well-being to career success. For example, ‘intensive parenting’ has been the subject of much media and academic attention.
Golden Child Syndrome refers to a strict requirement to become perfect. For example, expecting a child to obtain high grades in school or do every house chore perfectly. Such kids are also considered role models within the family. But unfortunately, this creates unnecessary pressure on other kids to reach the golden child's standards.
One effect of this approach is that children tend to have an overwhelming need to please. As a result, children are usually left with little space to express themselves and grow. Some children exposed to intense parenting go on to experience emotional problems (1) and reduced self-esteem (2).
Adverse Effects of Golden Child Syndrome
Living by a strict rule book leaves no space for self-development. As a result, important behaviours such as exploration, boundary testing, and self-expression are inhibited. These effects can damage human development from a young age. The golden child grows with the risk of problematic attachment styles (e.g., insecure attachment).
Here are some other effects of golden child syndrome:
The child feels the need to prove themselves and please their parents. A golden child will often listen to the excessive demands of their parents to gain validation.
The constant struggle for achievement may contribute to additional problems. Children might seek perfection or suffer from an intense fear of failure. Instead of feeling safe, a child might feel empty and anxious around authority figures.
Golden children are required to grow up fast. As a result, they don't get to experience many things a growing child does. They willingly take on more burdens than they can handle, regardless of age.
Implications of Golden Child Syndrome in Adulthood
The effects of golden child syndrome don't end in adulthood. These parenting practices can adversely affect your adult life in many ways. Here are a few examples:
Victims of golden child syndrome may become emotionally unavailable as adults. It affects their relationship with their family and partner. Their primary focus is maintaining an appealing facade instead of genuine investment in relationships.
Some golden children might get too clingy in relationships. They may be poor at setting boundaries or rely too much on their partner's validation. This can push a partner away, creating a greater urge for validation.
Another major drawback of golden child syndrome can be low self-esteem. Because life revolves around constant validation from others, people can have very unstable self-worth. This can leave people being defensive and sometimes hostile against people who show criticism.
How to Reduce the Negative Impacts of Golden Child Syndrome
Living with the effects of problematic parenting in adulthood can be difficult. Serious difficulties are best addressed with the help of a professional. However, you may also gain benefits from tacking related issues such as:
In many cases, people who experience serious difficulties need to work with a professional. A competent practitioner will help you understand the impact of problematic parenting behaviours, link them to current difficulties, and provide a tailored approach to address issues.
Further Reading
A couple of additional references for you:
Here is a useful book on attachment styles by Thais Gibson
This is an excellent book on dealing with perfectionism
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with challenges stemming from childhood. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles.
References
(1) Kwon, K.-A., Yoo, G., & Bingham, G. E. (2016). Helicopter parenting in emerging adulthood: Support or barrier for Korean college students’ psychological adjustment? Journal of Child and Family Studies, 25(1), 136–145.
(2) Mara A. Yerkes, Marit Hopman, F. Marijn Stok & John De Wit (2021) In the best interests of children? The paradox of intensive parenting and children’s health, Critical Public Health, 31:3, 349-360, DOI: 10.1080/09581596.2019.1690632
Not feeling good enough? Here's what you can do
I Wish That I Was Good Enough. Maybe You Are...
It's common to feel like you're not good enough. We all have doubts and moments when we feel like we're not measuring up.
We may take a negative perspective on a specific trait or ability (e.g., athletic performance). Or, we may make a more general evaluation (e.g., personality).
Whatever the type of evaluation, not feeling good enough is a challenging and potentially damaging state. However, we can do something about it.
Hold Me While You Wait Lyrics
This Lewis Capaldi song refers to someone not feeling good enough in a relationship context. Many people feel inferior to a partner.
Thinking you're not good enough suggests you've made a comparison to another person or expected standard. It's only natural to want to compare ourselves to others (1). We are social animals who frequently evaluate our place amongst others. We use comparison as a tool to assess our skills and abilities (2).
But negative consequences arise when those comparisons are unreasonable. For example, we negatively evaluate performance in an important area of life and stop trying to improve. Making inaccurate, negative comparisons will increase stress levels and satisfaction with life.
Making Fair Comparisons
As mentioned above, we have a natural tendency to make comparisons. Trying to eliminate this behaviour is therefore pointless and unachievable.
The good news is that you don't have to eliminate comparisons from your life. Negative evaluations per se are not bad, provided they are accurate and lead to reflection and a positive plan forward. Unjust or inaccurate comparisons can lead to self-doubt and self-loathing. On the other hand, thoughtful and balanced comparisons can help you strive toward a better version of yourself.
Getting Specific
Difficulties arise when comparisons are biased, inappropriate, or simplified.
It can be easy to make broad, non-specific comparisons, especially when we feel not good enough. However, we must be clear on what we are comparing ourselves to. What specific issue, characteristic, or ability are you referencing? Keep comparisons restricted to this particular aspect of your life.
Are You Making a Logical Comparison?
A fair evaluation comes from appropriate comparisons.
For example, compare your tennis skills to someone with the same experience level and coaching input. Now we're comparing apples with apples. Keeping your comparisons logical can be valuable for goal-setting and motivation. But if you allow them to become skewed, they can quickly turn destructive.
Awareness of potential biases and heuristics that distort comparisons is essential.
For example, one common bias is the relativity bias. This process occurs when we compare things based on their relative, rather than absolute value.
Another bias is anchoring. Here we hone in on one piece of information and allow it to unfairly influence our decision-making.
Are You Taking Circumstances Into Account?
Comparison can be a powerful tool if used correctly.
Ensure you factor in different circumstances when engaging in comparison. Then, ask yourself whether there's any information you're missing.
For example, maybe the person you're comparing yourself to has less stress and demands in their life. Or perhaps they have access to resources that you don't.
When making comparisons, always ask yourself whether you are considering different circumstances. For example, it wouldn't be fair to compare past exam performance to a result where you were unable to prepare.
Once you have all the facts, you can make a more accurate assessment of where you stand. You can also use the comparison to assess yourself.
Next, find out if you can do anything to improve your circumstances. This will help you to focus on your journey rather than getting caught up in someone else's. And that is the key to using comparison to your advantage.
Compassion
Not feeling good enough and other negative self-evaluations tend to involve a lack of compassion. Developing compassion skills can be of great benefit for these, and other challenges.
Summary
We compare our appearances, possessions, intelligence, and achievements. Sometimes, these comparisons can help us improve performance or reach goals. But often, comparisons can be detrimental.
Excessive, inappropriate, and biased comparisons damage our well-being. Making fair and balanced comparisons are essential to reduce the chance of not feeling good enough.
There is always scope for improvement in our lives. Balanced comparisons provide a basis for making concrete plans to improve.
We are Coaching & Clinical Psychologists with extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with not feeling good enough. Read more about our work, watch practical skills videos or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Kedia, G., Mussweiler, T., & Linden, D. E. (2014). Brain mechanisms of social comparison and their influence on the reward system. Neuroreport, 25(16), 1255–1265. https://doi.org/10.1097/WNR.0000000000000255
(2) Festinger, L. (1954). A Theory of Social Comparison Processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140. https://doi.org/10.1177/001872675400700202
And for the lyric curious….
I'm waiting up, saving all my precious time
Losing light, I'm missing my same old us
Before we learned our truth too late
Resigned to fate, fading away
So tell me, can you turn around?
I need someone to tear me down
Oh, tell me, can you turn around?
But either way
Hold me while you wait
I wish that I was good enough (Hold me while you wait)
If only I could wake you up (Hold me while you wait)
My love, my love, my love, my love
Won't you stay a while? (Hold me while you wait)
What You Need To Know About Fever Dreams
Fever Dreams: What They Mean for You
Have you ever woken up from a fever dream feeling shaken and confused?
Fever dreams are a strange type of dream that sleepers have when they have a fever. Many people have experienced this phenomenon at some point in their lives. These disturbing dreams can stay with a person long after the night has ended.
Here are a few things to remember about fever dreams and their meaning.
What Is A Fever Dream?
Fever dreams can be extremely vivid and often negative dreams. They are often strange compared to regular dreams (1). They tend to be unpleasant and emotionally intense. Many people report feeling fear or anxiety during these dreams.
Some researchers believe that fever dreams may result from a high body temperature (2). Others believe these dreams occur as a way for the brain to process information more quickly. Whatever the cause, fever dreams can be disturbing.
However, they are not typically harmful, and they will usually stop once the fever subsides.
What Causes Fever Dreams?
Unfortunately, there is no easy answer.
Scientists are still trying to understand precisely what happens in the brain during a fever dream.
Some theories suggest that it has to do with an overheated brain affecting mental activity (2). Others believe fevers may help the brain better process information and sort through memories.
What Is The Psychological Significance Of Fever Dreams?
Dreams have always been a source of fascination and mystery, with different cultures offering their own interpretations. In the modern era, thinkers like Freud, who saw dreams as a way to gain insights into the unconscious mind, have popularised the psychological significance of dreams.
The idea is that dreams contain various symbols and messages that we can interpret to understand ourselves better. This is a controversial idea, as it is tough to evaluate these theories scientifically.
However, there is no doubt that fever dreams can be compelling and enigmatic experiences.
They are often vivid dreams and more real than regular dreams and can be intensely confusing and troubling.
What Does Neuroscience Have To Say About Fever Dreams?
Dreams have always been a source of fascination, and there are many different interpretations of what they might mean. However, neuroscience and peer reviewed research provide a very different perspective on dreams.
For example, the 'self-organising theory of dreaming' states that dreams are part of the process of the brain organising itself and performing essential cognitive processing functions (e.g., memory consolidation). This theory is consistent with therapists' different perspectives on their clients' dreams (3).
However, the analysis of dream 'content' is commonplace. The history of dream interpretation, combined with the 'continuity hypothesis', might explain why people place such significance on their dreams.
Throughout history, people have placed great importance on their dreams. In many cultures, people viewed dreams as a way to connect with the divine and believed they could offer guidance and insight.
The ancient Greeks even had a god of dreams, Morpheus, who was said to deliver messages from the gods to mortals. Today, many of us still perceive our dreams as having significant meaning even though we may no longer consider them divine messages. The history of dream interpretation combined with the continuity hypothesis might explain why.
The continuity hypothesis (4) states that our dreams often link with recent or current events in our waking life. This means that our dreams can be a way of processing information and events we are currently dealing with.
What Do My Dreams Imply?
It can be interesting to try and interpret the meaning of unpleasant dreams. Dreams are often symbolic, so they can provide insights into our subconscious thoughts and feelings. However, it is important to be careful when attempting to interpret our dreams.
There is not much scientific research in this area, so it is easy to misinterpret what our dreams are trying to tell us. Additionally, our dreams are highly personal, so it is vital to remember our unique experiences and perspectives when trying to understand their meaning.
If we struggle to make sense of a strange dream, it is often helpful to talk to someone we trust who can offer impartial advice and support. But, ultimately, while dreaming can be a fascinating experience, we should be careful not to put too much emphasis on their interpretation.
The Takeaway
Although we do not fully understand the causes of fever dreams, they are likely to be a reaction to stress or illness. For most people, these lucid dreams are nothing more than a nuisance. We all have an intense dream from time to time. However, for some people, they can be a sign of a more serious condition.
If you experience fever dreams regularly, you must seek medical advice from your doctor. You may not be able to prevent fever dreams. But you can investigate high internal temperature and rule out underlying conditions. In the meantime, there are some things you can do to ease your symptoms.
Make sure to get plenty of rest and stay hydrated before falling asleep. Also, follow this guide on managing insomnia.
Further reading:
Learn about the science of dreams.
Sigmund Freud’s very non-scientific, but popular book on dream interpretation.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) Schredl, M., Küster, O., Spohn, A., & Victor, A. (2016). Bizarreness in fever dreams: A questionnaire study. International Journal of Dream Research, 9(1), 86–88. https://doi.org/10.11588/ijodr.2016.1.28492
(2) Schredl, M., & Erlacher, D. (2020). Fever Dreams: An Online Study. Frontiers in psychology, 11, 53. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00053
(3) Hackett, M. (2020). A systematic review of therapist experience of dream working in contemporary psychotherapy. International Journal of Dream Research, 13(2), 182–191. https://doi.org/10.11588/ijodr.2020.2.71162
(4) Erdelyi, M. H. (2017). The continuity hypothesis. Dreaming, 27(4), 334–344. https://doi.org/10.1037/drm0000063
Tame The Indecision Monster
Indecisive Meaning And Tips To Improve Decision-Making
Indecisiveness is an ongoing and general difficulty in making decisions. This is not to be confused with 'indecision'', a momentary state of being undecided about a specific decision (1).
Along with other cognitive phenomena (e.g., mind blanking), being indecisive is common. Around 20% of the population struggle with decision-making.
Except in cases of an underlying medical issue, indecision is not usually detrimental to one's health. However, well-being can be compromised when people excessively worry about their cognitive abilities.
Join TPP+ Today
Premium content to boost your performance, wellbeing and life success.
Causes Of Excessive Indecisiveness
We do not yet fully understand the underlying causes of this problem. But, there are several possibilities. For example:
Indecisiveness could be part of another psychological problem, such as procrastination (1)
It could result from mental health issues like depression (2)
There is a specific disorder called aboulomania. This condition involves extreme indecisiveness or 'paralysis of will'.
Various neurological conditions (e.g., dementia) can impair an individual's cognitive abilities and function.
Conditions typically developing in childhood have also been linked to indecisiveness (e.g., ADHD).
It is essential to see an appropriate medical professional if you experience ongoing medical or neurological symptoms.
Psychological Factors Of Indecisiveness
If no medical causes exist, psychological factors can underpin indecisiveness. The following problems may be relevant:
Fear of failure
Low self-confidence
Fearing the worst possible outcome or catastrophising
Paralysing perfectionism that leads to procrastination and anxiety
Viewing decisions as life-altering and needing to prepare too much
Unless individuals address these psychological issues, they may find it extremely difficult to make decisions.
Mental Health Issues That Cause Indecisiveness
As mentioned above, diagnosable mental disorders (e.g., anxiety, PTSD, depression) can also cause indecisiveness. For example:
Anxiety is often both a cause and result of indecisiveness. Decision-making is often tricky due to mind-blanking and/or fear of negative repercussions.
Depression can occur with indecisiveness. This may be due to impaired cognitive functions (e.g., concentration) and/or a negative mood state.
Situational Factors
Indecisiveness can be driven through situation factors. Examples include:
Lack of adequate information
Too many choices
Ambiguity or lack of clarity regarding options and consequences
Strategies To Cope Or Deal With Indecisiveness
Ruling out underlying medical issues, it is possible to mitigate everyday indecisiveness. Here are some coping strategies to try.
Acknowledge The Uncertainty Of Life
Acknowledge that life is full of risks, and you can never predict whether a decision is right or wrong. There may be no right or wrong decision. Instead, you may face a series of options, each with pros and cons.
Accepting that there is no right or wrong choice may help reduce the fear of making decisions.
Evaluate And Reflect On Your Course Of Action
Evaluate your options rationally and logically before making a decision. Remember that unwanted outcomes can provide excellent reflection and learning opportunities.
Consider Worst-Case Scenarios And Have A Problem-Solving Approach
"Hope for the best but prepare for the worst" is an excellent strategy for coping with indecisiveness. It will encourage you to be optimistic while helping you manage the fear of unfavourable outcomes. Then, whatever eventuates, you can be confident that you have prepared well.
Consider what could go wrong and develop your coping strategy. This way, you have a plan of action ready to go.
Besides, worst-case scenarios rarely become a reality, but preparing to face them can help you feel less anxious.
Seek Advice From (A Couple Of) People
Pick two people you trust to offer input. Speaking to too many people with conflicting advice or differing opinions can increase indecisiveness.
Summary
Indecisiveness can be a hassle. You get the actual hindrance of decisions unmade. But you can also experience frustration and anxiety. Try the strategies above and consider seeking professional help for ongoing issues.
Further reading:
Here is an interesting take on decision-making by Annie Duke.
Trey Gowdy also provides some useful ideas on decision-making.
We have extensive experience helping people conquer a range of wellbeing and performance issues at home and in the workplace. We can also help with indecision. Read more about our work or browse other articles. Get in touch anytime.
References
(1) https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.710880/full#:~:text=Definition%20of%20Indecisiveness,to%20be%20confused%20with%20indecision.
(2) https://psychcentral.com/health/coping-with-indecision